Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Love of Fabric

An hour ago, I had this dream, that I was walking through a warehouse. I was trying to escape with these people, and though things were urgent and we were sneaking around, no one came to stop us, either because they had no idea we were there, or they didn't care. We escaped and ran across this field, and somehow ended up in some kind of barn. The people I was with wanted to play NBA Jam for the Sega, but I didn't want to, because I already had the game, and so I was bored with it (random note, I really do have NBA Jam for the Sega, lol)

I left, seeing that I was at some kind of kid's birthday party. This dog kept following me. I kept petting it, and then telling it to go back because I couldn't take it with me, but it kept following me, so I ignored it for a while and tried to slip through the fence door to leave it in. When it started head-butting into me, I turned around and realized that I was being followed by a rhinoceros instead. It kept wanting me to pet it, so I did, but I had to tell it to go home because the chickens would be afraid of it. I went to this shack, but there were no chickens. I figured they must be in the back, and I told the rhino to stay where it was while I checked on them. But while I was talking to the rhino, something died in the shack. At first, I was a little annoyed that I would have to start over, but then I decided to just move on instead, and that if I ever needed 'it' again (I never saw what died, I just heard it dying much like Samus dies in Super Metroid), 'it' would be there. I went around to this clearing, behind all of the farm buildings, and there was a bunch of cages with chicks, chickens, and eggs. One chicken was free, and it started to peck at me, but once I petted it, it too started following me. Then I saw all of these eggs sitting on top of the cages that had happy faces, so I started to pet the eggs. They started turning yellow and the happy faces got happier, until they turned brown. I went back, and there was a book on making miniature food sitting on display in a barn across a river. The river was a deep blue, and completely translucent. Randomly, I tried to make a banana from the book. It came out too small for me to use. I decided to make French toast. I had to roll up this huge ball of bread, land it on the raft on the river, and drift it to the restaurant (which just looked like another barn with chefs in front of it). It took a few tries not to let it fall into the water, but I eventually got it. This is where I woke up.

Warehouse- Stored energy or hidden resources. The fact that I'm trying to escape means I need to let it out.
Farm- I need to develop more on an aspect of myself; I am ready for growth.
Dog- My strong values will push me forward and make me successful.
Rhino- I need to be aggressive in following my goals. Don't take 'no' for an answer!
Chicken- Lack of willpower. But only one was out of its cage. Does that mean my doubts are being locked away? It says if I see a bird in a cage, I'm feeling stifled, but chickens represent cowardice. I think the chicken part is more predominant than the fact that they are birds.
Egg- Creative potential. Something new is about to happen. Also, since there were a lot of eggs, it might mean I'm in for some financial gain.
River- To cross one means I've got to overcome an obstacle first. It might also mean that I'm going too much with the flow, and I need to start taking action. Might be in regards to looking for a job....
French toast- I'm satisfied with how things are going.

To my experience, it does no good to get your hopes up too much, because you run the risk of losing everything, and therefore, being completely crushed when you realize there's nothing left to hope for. I try not to get wrapped up in all of the 92873749834 things I can so totally make when I'm done with my classes, but for all I know, I won't be able to make any of these things for another 2 years. Maybe it sounds negative, but I really don't know what will happen in the next few months. As really happy as I am designing clothes, I might not learn the proper techniques to make them for a long time, if ever. It's fun to dream, but it's important to make sure you come back down to reality every so often, to evaluate realistically your progress.

I'm such a killjoy, but I can't help it.
My moon sign is the Cancer, and my sun sign is the Capricorn.
Those Zodiac challenged should know that those two are polar opposites personality-wise. Some days, I feel extremely girly, with my head in the clouds, and others, I feel pretty grounded and logical. Sometimes they mix up, so I don't really know how to feel....

I found a great place for gorgeous lace yesterday. I can't believe I love lace so much.... I want to buy almost everything in her stock! I keep looking at SULA's dresses in hopes that I can make something like those for my dolls too. It's so unfair that Japan gets all of this fancy wonderful stuff, and we get such boring material.

I also found a great place to publish a book. Ever since AuroreBlackCat made a book of her characters and dolls, I've wanted to as well, not to sell like she did, but to have, and show off when I have all of the concepts for my characters done. I doubt anyone would want to buy my books, so that's why I'm not concerned with resale. It'll probably be forever before I get to do this project. I have a lot of characters to buy and create, a lot of pictures to draw, a LOT of work to be done.

It's hard to keep myself from being so ambitious. I've got to take things in stride....

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I keep dreaming.
Of guys I feel like I've known forever, but in reality, I've never met. I don't think I've met them.

It's never the same guy. The only similarity is that they all seem to be brunettes. I guess that's my preferred type, though my boyfriends have had hair that ranged from platinum white to dark brown, I don't know.

They're always asking me out, or about to ask me out. I'm never shocked or surprised. I always expect it, like it was obvious that it would happen eventually. They always work at some mundane place, like a food court, or a hardware store. They ask if we can take a walk somewhere. I'm leading the way. They hold my hand.

Sometimes they ask before I wake up.
Sometimes they're still coming up with the right words, but I already know where they're going.
Who are these people?

It's annoying. It feels familiar, but it isn't. I feel like I know these guys, but I don't. I've never even been in these kinds of situations in real life, and in fact, I don't even think guys do it anymore.

These dreams only make me dislike real guys even more. Why can't they ever be cool like the ones in my dreams? I shouldn't have to settle for someone I'm not attracted to, either. Why should I compromise and not be happy? I'm tired of not being happy with my choices!

Maybe it's this town. The idiots bred in these parts have made me bitter. I'll never forget the guy who thought I'd be flattered when he hit the hood of my car and proclaimed "Ey girl!" at me while at a stop sign. No class, these men have no class.

But canopy beds decorated with roses do <3
Hm, now what do I do?
No use in thinking about it, nothing I can do but hope that being nice comes back into style someday soon. And that the one person perfect for me isn't living in Europe or something.

Friday, August 20, 2010

One Step Closer

I've done a little this past week!

Saturday, my grandma wanted me to buy her some food, but since I hadn't showered that day, so I was all sweaty and gross, I didn't want to go. As a result, she decided to make me wash the dishes, including any that were in the refrigerator. There weren't that many dishes, so I thought it was a trap, since she would never just let me off that easy. I figured she must have also want me to clean the shelves in the refrigerator, so I cleared out EVERYTHING. Seriously. There was a bottle of salad dressing we got when I was a kid in there....

At the end of throwing everything no longer fit for human consumption, there was probably a total of 15 things in there, most of which were condiments. My grandma came in when she saw me cleaning one of the door shelves (which, might I add, hadn't been cleaned in at least 5 years *shudders*) and was so impressed, she didn't even need me to clean the rest of the dishes. She went out to buy us lunch and told me that she would be headed to the grocery store later on. Remembering that I wanted to make a cheesecake from my dessert book, I brought it out to look at while one of the shelves soaked and I rested (I hadn't eaten anything since she said she was getting us food, so I was feeling a little anemic).

When she came back, she saw my book, and we ended up looking at it, page by page. Somewhere, she mentioned that there was a class about herbs going on, if I was interested in signing up. I was shocked that she was going to pay for a class for me, but she said that a class like that couldn't be more than $300 or $400.

I had a certain class in mind only going for $280 <3

I immediately told her about the pattern drafting class I wanted to join that was nowhere near $400 (last I checked, 12 weeks was going for $312). We signed me up after we finished looking through the book. They were running a deal where if you got 12 weeks, you would get 6 of those weeks 70% off, making it a bit under $280. So, refrigerator because extra clean and I reorganized all of the shelves to make it more efficient (my grandma likes to make extra large amount of food, so I fixed it so that if she ever made a pot, we could move the juices to the door if needed, as well as fit shorter pots on the bottom shelf) and I got to take the classes I've been dreaming about since the first day I saw them last year. Oh, and she bought me the ingredients to make a pear and ginger cheesecake.

The next day, I made the cheesecake. I'm going to add a little less sour cream and bake it for 35 minutes instead of 40, but it was pretty good! Niki and Steve liked it too! I was pretty proud of it, even though it took a long time because our food processor is really small, and I had to do everything in batches. I can definitely trust this book XD

Wednesday, I went to the beach with Niki and Steve. I haven't gone swimming in forever. I had a lot of fun, but the aftermath wasn't so ;_; Regardless of the sunscreen I put on, I still got burned a bit on my back, on my upper cheeks, and I got burned on my lips, which then swelled up ;____; My lips were already pretty big, so now they're just really annoying to deal with. Go back to normal!

Anyway, the next day, I went to my sewing class. There were only 4 other people there, and the teacher was really nice ^^ It was super quiet, save for their music. It's only been one day, and I spent that time drafting a pattern for a skirt, so I can't really say I have a serious opinion, but so far, it doesn't seem so bad, and even though I spent the whole time drawing lines on paper, I wasn't bored for a second. Being in this class really got my creative juices flowing. I designed 2 more things this morning, and I have the urge to design something else too. I can really start thinking about what I want my dolls to wear now, and I even looked up how to make shoes for dolls (I want to make some replications of Jesus Diamante shoes for my one-day-hopefully-maybe shop). I've been looking at different fabrics for hours. Wah~ I'm so excited! I'm going to finally learn how to sew clothes!

I can see my dream forming more and more. I'm just a little bit closer to what I've envisioned, so I'm really happy <3

Friday, August 13, 2010

Upon Dreams 2

Sometimes, I have such interesting dreams. I want them to be somewhere so I can keep them in my memories.

Today, I dreamed (I thought dreamt was a word!) that I was walking around my neighborhood at dusk, a nice version of it, without all of these ignorant people shouting at everyone....

I saw Jake standing around with a few people, and he saw me and waved. I came over to see how he was doing, since it had been a while since I'd seen him. He introduced me to his new girlfriend. I was a little sad, but I was more happy for him, because I knew with the way things were, I just couldn't be his girlfriend, even if he wanted me to be. I told him it was really great, and we said our goodbyes, where I went back home. I went into this large house, which apparently belonged to these other people, but they were letting me live there. Their two children, a boy about 9 and a girl about 7, came home from school, and I told them if they did their homework, I would make them something. One of them randomly mentioned that I got an A on an assignment (I guess I'm going to college in this dream), and I can't remember how it came up, but I said the words "Hey, I'm not part of this family, if they tell me to leave, I've got nowhere to go! You're lucky!" I walked over to the paper where I had gotten an A and looked at it, and then I woke up.

Lately, I've gotten back into Subeta. Originally, I wasn't sure if I would stay, but while exploring what was new, I ended up with an item that gave me a free 3 month Gold Account, and that in another couple of months after that ran out, I would end up with another one. (You get one for being on the site for 2 years, and another for being on the site for 3, which I'll approach in January). I figured, even if I decide Subeta isn't for me again, I can at least take advantage of the free GAs.

I'm so sad faced, because Mitsuwa is having a huge bash tomorrow, and I have no money to go! ;_;

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Magazines, Juice, and Wedding Dresses

Today, I downloaded September's Popteen. I'm starting to like them more and more, each month. When I first read it, it was back in January. I can't remember what issue it was, but I remember being less than impressed with it. Too many unflattering and kiddy outfits that weren't my style, but I guess they've started to move into other styles? Either way, I now look forward to them. Maybe, if I have the money to spare someday, I can support them over at Mitsuwa.

This month's issue also had a section involving delicious looking fruit drinks. One of them was kiwi! You could even see all of the seeds in it~ I'll have a lot of translating to do, but it's easier than trying to figure out a sentence.

I just read a post about how statistically, people prefer to just look at pictures and skip the reading. How boring! These blogs are saying such interesting things, and people would know if they actually read it! It's really sad that so many people don't even want to do that much. Why are they even looking at blogs, when they can just go to Google images for pictures anyway? Is it because it's set to a prettier background? Maybe I'm not saying anything amazing, but lots of other bloggers are!

I'm watching Hell's Kitchen randomly. All of this cooking suddenly gives me a taste for some snow crab legs, lol. When I have money, I'm driving out to Crabs and Things again. I haven't been there in years.

Later on in the evening, I came across a Rakuten site for wedding dresses. I must admit, it's one of my guilty pleasures, to look at wedding dresses. They're so beautiful! I have no plans for my own wedding (in fact, the only thing I know for sure is how I want my cake to look, but only because I love food), but I love looking at them. A lot of them are even inspiring to design other dresses for my maybe, possibly, someday if I wish hard enough dream of opening my own online shop for Hime style clothes.

I used to only like simple and sleek dresses, with very little detail, but I find myself admiring some of their non-conventional styles as well.

Here are some of my favorites:

I absolutely love this one!

All images above are (C) of their respective photographers.

I can just feel the creativity just flowing through, as I look at these!
The store I got these images from is S-Road, if you're curious. Even if you're not getting married any time soon, I still think it's fun to look at them.

Monday, August 9, 2010


I have just discovered La Pafait and Rolianne -pink made- today.

<3 <3 <3

Lately, I've been getting into Hime-kei. I still like Koakuma-kei and Lolita too, but something about Hime-kei just speaks to me now. Maybe it's because I spent so many years not being feminine at all that suddenly my body craves it or something. There's something so delicate yet flashy about it that I really like, and now that I'm at the age where I'm not concerned with what people think of me, it's so much easier to get into a style like this.

But finding La Pafait really got me in it today. So much cute packed onto one page.... Gah! I'm almost tempted to sell my ball joint dolls to go on a mini spree, lol (and I could easily get almost $3000 if I sold all 4 of them, lol) Buuuuut I won't, because I like my dolls too.

I think it would be so much fun, if every so often, I could go out like a princess. Maybe, if I'm super lucky, I'll meet a guy who will put his jacket over a puddle for me! Haha, of course not, chivalry has gone the way of the Dodo, in most cases, but my goodness, if that happened, I would just be dazzled for weeks.

Hmm.... I wonder how much I'd get if I sold most of my clothes? Lol! I wish America wanted to be as cute.... I kind of hate that we like 'sexy' around these parts, but with a face and figure like mine, sexy doesn't work! I'd just look like a 17 year old trying too hard to look older than she is.... Oh Japan, never stop loving cute things!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Disappearing Week

Where did my week go? I remember Monday.... and that's it! Suddenly, I checked the day (I like to go to ThatGuyWiththeGlasses.com, and my favorite reviewers post on certain days so I wanted to see what day it was) and it was Saturday! I was so shocked! I can't even remember what I did between Monday and Friday, besides going to Borders (I guess I went Thursday?) and watching daily reviews. I don't like it one bit!

And speaking of books, I read through all of my cookbooks, and I'm not disappointed at all with my decision, especially with my Essential Dessert Cookbook, which has quickly become my favorite. Everything in there looks so easy, and there's really no complicated techniques that they don't explain first. It's gotten a lot of good reviews as well, so if you want a book on desserts, get this one! Only thing, if I recall, there aren't that many strictly cake recipes, but since I don't particularly like cake and prefer pies and pastries (both of which they have a bunch of recipes for), it's no problem for me! They do have a bunch of recipes that involve some cake though, which I guess is good, because there's only so many times to make a typical cake. Many of the recipes are practically foolproof, and the few difficult 3-starred ones in the book really only need a little time and maybe using a technique you're not used to (which they always explain in detail) so as long as you follow the recipe, you'll do fine. Not a single time was I ever daunted by what I saw. In fact, I think the most difficult thing in the book was custard, which if you know custards, you'll know why, and a few recipes require ingredients not easily found, but it's nothing you can't alter or go around.

If you love desserts, and you happen to see this book at your store, buy it!

I find myself going to Facebook less and less nowadays, to the point that I don't even need to have it blocked now. I used to check it obsessively, like every 30 minutes, without any real reason why, but now, I end up doing other things. I cut out a lot of TV time as well. I think the last time I watched TV was Monday, when I watched How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory (and left the TV on for the other two shows in between, but turned the sound off and got online). Every time I turn the TV on, I either see that there's nothing I want to watch on and turn it off, or end up playing a video game. Lately, I've gotten back into Metroid Prime, trying to remember where everything is. I've played the game probably 4 times to completion before, getting 100% of the items and 100% of the scans (messed up my scans on hard mode, as I forgot to scan something in that sunken facility area, so I'll have to try that again once I'm used to everything in this playthrough), but it's been years since I last played, so sometimes I forget. Spent 45 minutes running around before I realized where the Ice Beam was, lol, and I remembered why I hate Space Pirates so much. I can't wait until I get to fight Ridley again, but I think I have a little ways to go before I reach him (I'm still missing her final visor, final suit, and all of the artifacts). Playing this makes me want to go find my Super Metroid game and play that too!

I need to stop looking at this dessert book. Everything looks so delicious! O_O

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Books, check 'em out!

Blast from the past, lol, or maybe I'm the only one who would get the title reference.

Yesterday, my grandma found some gift cards from Borders that she never used, and she gave them to me. How much was on these cards? Almost $60 total! Shopping spree!! ...Kinda? Lol

So I just got back from my trek. I bought a book on how to make cute bento meals called Yum-Yum Bento Box (which the website said they didn't even have! I sure showed them XD), a cool looking book on tea parties called, well, Tea Party that won a place in my list with just one strawberry rose meringue recipe. Actually, I was going to buy it anyway, because of all the tea recipes, but when I was comparing it to another tea party book (there were like 4 different ones, I didn't even know there would be one!) and that's when I saw it. Then I bought some dessert books. The cookbook section was kind of big there, since it had 2 rows. I'm only used to spending time in the art book section, which is only one section, so it was a surprise to turn the corner, and there was a whole area full of dessert books! I love sweets~

Anyway, they had a column full of discounted books on desserts. I bought a set that has a book with 200 cookie, biscuits, and brownie recipes, that also came with cookie cutters (I bought it just for the cookie cutters, since I could also use them for bentos in the future) for only $4, and a book called The Essential Dessert Cookbook, which I only looked at one page. It was a marbled raspberry cheesecake piece, and I didn't need any more prompting. Plus, it was only $7.

Now, I'm looking over my bento book. It got a lot of good reviews, and was apparently written by certain bento bloggers who I guess are kind of big on the Inter-webs. Personally, I'm just glad I finally have a book that also specializes in charaben (bentos with characters, like rabbits and whatnot). I've seen a ton of books with traditional looking things, but since I like cute things, it would be nice to have cute lunches someday too XD So far, I love the book, and I'm only like 12 pages in, lol. I hope one day I can start making these ^_^

Oh yeah, while I was at Borders, in the check out line, there's a section where you can buy markers. Someone wrote on the little pad in front "You are beautiful." It made my already great day even better! Such a nice thing to write <3 It was nice to get out, and crank my music with the windows open, although I got a really weird look from some guy I passed while listening to I'm On A Boat, lol!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Upon Dreams

Thought about posting yesterday, but decided not to. I can't really remember why, especially because I did have something to say....

I know it's no good to spend so much time imagining a life I don't, and most likely wouldn't, have, but at least one thing good has come out of it.

See, now I'm thinking about what I really want. I may be glamorizing it a bit, but I have all of these hopes and dreams, which I think you're supposed to have. When I realized that game art and design wasn't what I wanted, I gave up all of that, because I felt that dreams don't come true unless you're really lucky or really persistent. I have no luck, and I have no money to be persistent, so dreams, to me, felt useless to have.

But I forgot what was important about having dreams, and that's that you have something to strive for, even if nothing goes right. It keeps you optimistic, especially if you don't let everything get you down, so you keep trying. I never thought of it that way.

I've always wanted to take sewing lessons at this place that will teach you how to draft your own patterns. There's so many outfits out there that I wish I could have but they're too expensive, or that I wish was a little different, whether it's in a color/pattern I don't like, or I feel it's lacking in something. I have quite a few sketches of outfits I'd love to make myself (I even just designed a cute furry cape just yesterday). I look at envy at people who can do all of this on the fly. The problem with me is that while I can look at almost every garment out there and mentally take it apart (so I know what all of the parts would look like, in pattern form), I just don't know how to piece it together. It's the technical aspect that confuses me. How to I cut these patterns to fit me? I know that once I figured that out, the rest of it would be easy. Too many sites just tell me to alter existing patterns, but in most cases, it just doesn't work, since the outfits I sometimes want to make are a little complex. This is why Lolita clothing is so expensive, that, mixed with quality fabric and lace.

Anyway, in my mind, I've got a full wardrobe of clothing that I made, and have decided that I like fashion so much, that I would go to school for it, even if I never actually used my degree (since for a lot of jobs, just having a degree at all makes you look good). I never really play out the other classes (math, science, whatnot) only because I found school too boring. Too much of it is just parroting back what the teacher said, and I felt I never really learned anything. It's like being told that 2+2=4. Of course, it is, but you're never told why, or how we got that answer, just simply that that is the answer. You might think "Well, it doesn't matter why," but think about it. If you know the why, then everything else will be easier to figure out! Then you understand why 3+3=6 or 7+12=19, and can even apply this logic to other addition problems. (I used to have problems in multiplication because no one told me the reasons behind it, and they just gave me a chart to memorize. But once I learned that multiplication was just adding up groups, multiplication became easy!)

Maybe it's the lack of creativity. You only got good grades if you said exactly what the teacher wanted you to say, so I always feel stifled, and then I become bored as a result. Unfortunately, my weakness as a person, if I'm bored, I don't even see the point of trying, and I'm off doing everything else. It's why I liked my Pre-Calculus class. The teacher made it interesting, and explained things. Easiest class ever, too bad it has no practical use, unless you're some kind of engineer, or want to also be a Calculus teacher, so I forgot most of it, lol.

I'm terrible at staying on task.

Anyway, in my head, I sell my own creations, from nails, to accessories, and of course clothes. I even sew replications of these brands for ball joint dolls, because who wouldn't want their girl decked out in Jesus Diamante? LOL! And I have my own business cards, die-cut like an emblem, embossed with a border around my picture, wearing my creations while decked out in Hime-kei. I can't make a living out of it, at least not on its own, but it would be a great hobby, one that would allow me the freedom of making something perfect in my eyes.

Still, I worry that things will turn out like they did for when I tried college before. I worry that I'll get bored again, and realize that I don't want to actually go into fashion. I guess when I really think about it, I never actually saw myself making games, but the stories behind the games, and the characters, whereas now, I do actively see myself making things. But I don't know, I'm scared of letting everyone down again. I just don't want to make another mistake and lose out on so much. I don't know what to do. The imagination makes everything sound so magical and happy, like if you just wish hard enough, everything will come true, and you too will have your dream home with dream boyfriend who brings you a dream puppy.... That's what I hate about it, lol.

I already know there's no way I'll actually get into the fashion business, not with this competition, and not with my style, and in a country where people want to be sexy and not cute, so the degree would just be for myself, something that would only matter to myself, and maybe some other girl who wants to go into fashion too.

When I think of it that way, the weight of it doesn't feel so heavy, like my future is riding on it. But would that mean I won't try as hard, because I don't need it as much? Lots of people go to these schools because they want to make clothes for the world, while I just want it so I can learn more about it, understand the hows and whys, and use it towards what I want to do. I don't have dreams of being a serious entrepreneur, I have dreams of living in comfort for the rest of my life. I don't desire dressing up the best biggest name in Hollywood, I just want to know that I made someone's perfect dress once. I won't own my own boutique in New York City, I'll own my own townhouse in the suburbs. And I'll be toiling away in my shabby chic/romantic Victorian style bedroom on my next creation, and live happily ever after.

That sounds like the perfect imaginary life.
And words and words and words and words.

Meanwhile, this place is even easier to design, I think I'll finally work on creating the Blogger space I like. Maybe. It's not like I don't have the perfect picture to put up there.

Also, I spent a whole day away from Facebook, to take my mind off of how utterly lonely I was. I'd still be away, but I accidentally went (whenever I go to a different website, I tend to check my Facebook first, out of habit, lol). I got one of those things that blocks the site, so next time I go out of habit, it'll take me somewhere else. I need to keep my mind off of my situation, because it's getting to me.

Except, I didn't tell anyone.... Lol, no one has noticed yet, so I bet they won't.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Mind


How depressing is it that I spend more time in my imagination than I do in the real world?

I had a strange dream that tossed me around for a bit.
I guess I was getting home from a date with some guy, maybe one I saw in a picture earlier that week, I don't know. It was night time, and we were talking. I wanted to kiss him, but I worried that because it's been so long since my last kiss (over 4 years now) and because I had next to no experience with that sort of affection, I was scared to. The sun was rising, and he gave me a hug. I didn't want to leave it at that, so I figured I'd take a chance anyway, and that I couldn't go wrong with a small kiss anyway. So I kissed him. It felt strangely nostalgic, even though I've never been kissed that way. In fact, it was my perfect first kiss, the kind I used to wish for when I was younger. I never got that kiss, unfortunately, but that's due to a whole 'nother psychology session.

I went inside and headed to my room, and was clearing off my bed to prepare to go to sleep. There were notes all over my wall from my grandma, telling me to do things, but I ignored them, because I was in too much of a good mood. I woke up shortly after noticing my camera was shining some kind of orange light through the view finder as I turned it off.

I wondered what it meant.
The dream dictionary I go to says that if you kiss a stranger, it means you've accepted an aspect of yourself. However, it also says that if I'm dreaming of kissing someone's boyfriend, it means that I'm jealous and I wish I was in a relationship. Thing is, I can't remember if I recognized him or not, because I don't really remember his face, I just feel like I recognized him, and if I do, he was definitely someone's boyfriend. I'm not really sure of what to think. But since that dream, I haven't been able to get that image and contented feeling out of my head.

I feel a little of both. I'm jealous, and want to be loved again, but when I think about where I am in life, I feel like it's not time yet. Herein lies the confusion.

I named the dream guy 'Jeremy', since I felt the need to call him something other than 'some guy'.

I wonder if 'Jeremy' is really out there. Or maybe this is just a vision of a parallel me, that in some other dimension, everything is all together with me. Or maybe my mind is just trying to cheer me up, what with it feeling like every girl on my Facebook is rubbing, nay, smashing it in my face about how happy they are with their boyfriends for this whole week (I guess it's not their fault, I guess I'd do it too if I had a super wonderful boyfriend to show off too). If it's the last one, I should thank it. At least it understands what, or should I say who, I've been through.

I was the only child of a single mother. I couldn't go out after school, because my mom wasn't home, so I spent a lot of time in my head, pretending I had lots of friends to hang out with. It's really sad that decades later, nothing has changed besides my height and teeth.

I'm just in a bad mood today. No amount of looking at things I can't afford now is cheering me up. I just want to close my eyes and spend more time in the dream world, where a 'Jeremy' is frantically tousling his hair in the mirror, trying to look his very best for when he shows up on the next date. Real guys have too much baggage for me nowadays. I may be lonely, but at least it's better than being betrayed, abused, or emotionally drained. I wish I hadn't learned any of that the hard way.

Denial. Maybe.But I do feel a little better, now that I got to vent somewhere.
To sleep.