Sunday, September 30, 2012

Eventually Fixed with Time

Hello everybody~

So, it didn't work out with that guy....

At first, I was really down, because I'm so picky, so it's near impossible for me to even get attracted to guys that don't meet my standards.  Not many people can even catch my attention, let alone keep it.

So when it all fell apart, I was sitting there, wondering why I went through all of that for nothing, but more importantly, why he went with it for as long as he did!  I really don't like rejection.  In fact, it really terrifies me, because I'm afraid of failure.  This is the sole reason why I'm a perfectionist.  I felt like it was my fault that it ended, but what was worse was that I couldn't do anything to fix it.  I started thinking selfish things like how I'll never find anyone who could fall for someone like me, and I tried to convince myself that I should just forget about the idea of love and only focus on achieving my goals and working, since having a boyfriend would just distract me and cause me lots of trouble.  I took the failure pretty hard....

But once I stopped thinking with my bruised ego and started thinking with my heart, I thought about... well, everything.  It set me on some serious introspection.  Not just about why it's so difficult for me to like a guy, let alone why it feels like no one around my age seems interested in me (which probably isn't true), but on my personality, my goals, where I want to be compared to where I am, and the like.  It's been a roller coaster of emotions!  I've learned a lot of hard lessons, and I wish sometimes I didn't have to go through such things just to learn them.  I've been feeling unsatisfied with my life.  It seems my fashion choice was only the tip of the iceberg.  I still feel like I'm missing a lot more and that my current personal goals aren't enough to cover it all.

Unfortunately, I'm not really sure what I'm missing, and it annoys me that I can't figure it out.  I just have a restless feeling that urges me to do something, anything.  Travel somewhere new or do something I wouldn't normally do, make some friends I may not have seen myself with in previous years, stuff like that.

Who would have thought getting dumped would created such an interesting chain effect, lol.

Anyway, I hope no one will badmouth him.  He really did have a good reason to break it off, but ultimately, I don't think he felt I was the one for him, and at the same time, I've since realized he wasn't the one for me either.  I have my own reasons as to how I've come to this conclusion, but it doesn't matter.  I've learned some things about myself from the experience, and I at least enjoyed myself while it lasted.  It's been 6 years since I was in any kind of relationship with a guy until him, so at the very least, I can reset the counter.  He's a great person, and I really hope things work out for him.

I just wanted to talk about that, because I know some people were supporting me.  Thank you so much.
I'm okay, I just have a lot to think about now.  It is annoying, though.  It's like that really bad sore feeling you get after you exercise for the first time, except you can't ease it with a warm bath, and you wish you had started all of this forever ago, because then you would be further along and you wouldn't have to deal with it anymore....  I don't know....

Anyone entering the Kawaii International Hime-kei contest?  I considered it, until I found out great Hime-Gyarus like Mio and Black-Sui were entering.  I just can't compare to greats like those at my current level, lol, so I decided to sit out.  I have far too much improvement needed before I can even think of going up against the likes of girls like them.  It did inspire me to start determining where I need more work though.  I finally got some makeup, though not the wishlist stuff I originally thought of getting (I kept having second thoughts of spending so much at once, lol).  I *finally* have a neutral palette that not only looks good with my skin tone, but shows off its color amazingly.  I got a really nice, easy to follow tutorial in September's Ageha that I've been practicing.  I need new bottom lashes, but otherwise, it's been going well.  I think I'll start practicing contouring some as well.  I'm making a checklist of what I feel I need in order to be the great Hime I see in my mind.  I'm only at, like, 3%, so I need to see what I need to work on and what I'm lacking.

I have *so much* to work on....  I need to make another list of things I need to tackle, so I can focus on one thing at a time!