Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Upon Dreams 3

With me, I tend to have a lot of dreams that always mean something.

I mean, I never have a dream where it's just a random assortment of adventure.  My mind is always trying to tell me something through my subconscious, and it's usually about something that has happened recently.

Sometimes my dreams are obvious to figure out, and sometimes I need a little time (and some help from my favorite dream dictionary).  I think this is the case for everyone.  Dreams always have something in them that you're supposed to pay attention to, even if it seems crazy and weird.

Well, anyway, this was one of those easy to figure out dreams.  But it was what happened after I woke up that baffled me.  Well, you'll see.

We were going on a huge road trip, me and my family.  My aunts (including my Aunt Pam who I hardly ever see), my uncle, my little cousin, and Poppy, who was driving the car.  I was sitting in the front, looking a little older, maybe 2 or 3 years so.  I don't know where we were headed, but we were taking a lot of things, like we were all moving, and not just travelling.  I noticed my mom and grandma weren't there.

We were going across a lot of places, and we saw mountains and forests, but I was told it was only a few hour trip.  We were generally enjoying ourselves, though a little tired, because of having to sit in a car a lot.

We were getting to a rest stop, where we saw my mom, who apparently was meeting us from somewhere else.  She was all alone, her husband wasn't with her (sorry, I don't really think of him as "step-dad"....).  She was also packed up, like she was moving.  I wanted to go with her in her car, since she was, first, my mom, and second, alone.  She seemed tired as well, but she was happy to see me.  The sun was setting.

We went into the rest stop and we went in to get some snacks.  Upon noticing they had some things I wanted, I headed back to get my purse.  Instead, my mom came up, and instead handed me $5 for some treats.  I thanked her, and started telling her about this juice I like to get and all the different flavors they had, even convincing her to get my favorite one to try for herself.

Eventually, we all ended up at my grandma's house, but instead, it was nearly empty, with a few boxes full of random things scattered inside the various rooms.  I guess it had been this way for a few years.  My family was going through it, taking what they wanted.  I went into my room and put a few of my things in a bag, mostly old how-to-draw books I actually own, remembering that once I left, I would never be able to come back again.  My family started to leave.  I didn't want to keep them waiting, so I did a once over, grabbing a couple of Wii sterring wheels to sell.  I made a stop to look in the bathroom, which was also empty, and headed out.  The sun was starting to rise, and the sky was pink, but it was still too early, and the sun hadn't come up just yet.  I closed the door, and looked on my key ring, trying to remember what key went to this house, since it had been so long.  I looked up, and there was some sign on it that said "Condemned", I guess reminding me that if I had forgotten anything, it would be too late.  But I knew anything I was forgetting couldn't have been that important.

We now all piled into my smaller car, with Mom at the wheel, and Poppy in the back seat.  I was sitting in the front again, this time with my uncle.  We headed out on the road again, this time in a happier mood.

Now, I'm no dream expert, but it seems like this is a dream of new beginnings, that I'm finding myself and headed on a right path.  I'm letting go of the old things that don't work for me.  My mind wants to tell me I'm doing fine.

But the problem was when I woke up.  For some reason I felt sad, but more than that, I kept thinking I should have gone back in, that I was surely forgetting something, and that if I left, it would be gone forever.  Even now, I just keep thinking, why didn't I check one more time?  Why didn't I just make sure?  What if something important was there?
Even though it was just a dream, I still feel like I'm forgetting something, left behind in that old, abandoned house in my mind.

So, part of me knows it's time to move on, but part of me is a little scared of letting so much go.

I'll always be leery of change.
I'll always be apprehensive over the choices I make.
It would be safe to just stay where I am.  I'd already know what to expect, so I wouldn't be disappointed if things went wrong, because I knew they would.

But I didn't like where I was.  I was constantly stressed, and I was constantly crying.  I felt lonely, trapped, and lost.  That's why I'm changing everything now.  The old me didn't work.
Still, this other half feels that if everything goes wrong, maybe I won't have anything to fall back on, and it'll be just like it was before.  You should have heard the inner monologue I had when I knew I would have to get rid of all the older clothes I don't wear that doesn't suit my new style.  I kept thinking, 'But what if I have to wear it?  What if I need it again?  I won't have it anymore, what will I do?  How could I give everything up??'

In the end, I came to the conclusion that I would keep one pair of sweatpants and one oversized shirt.  Not for memories, but in case I need to paint or something.  No need ruining my nice future lounge wear because I needed to Spackle a wall, lol.  When I thought of it like that, it was a little easier to think about letting most of it go.

Perhaps it was just time to address this side of me.  My mind knows it's time to go, but my heart is too scared to right now.  Perhaps with a little more research and assurance, it'll see my way of thinking.  It's not throwing everything away, it's just growing up and shedding away the old to make way for the new.

Actually, just seeing these words in front of me is relaxing me a little.  It's scary to let go, but I won't forget anything important.  I'm still me, I'm just wearing more pink, lol.

Ugh, I have a lot to learn, inside and out.


  1. wow your so brave! Your able to move forward even though your afraid. Very courageous and strong in my eyes!

    i could actually use some advice. Do you ever worry about what everyone thinks when you go out hime style?

  2. gosh i wish i could be as brave as you...

    I'm so so sorry if i'm typing a lot but i kinda need someone to confide in who will understand what I'm talking about. I hope that's okay.

    Ok so it's not so much the people that don't get the lolita style that bother me. It's the people who are into the style.

    I went to a convention a couple of months ago and saw a lot of lolita and hime dressed girls there. I was so excited to make friends that had the same interests as me.

    However, when i approached them they gave me the death glare. Most of them gave me the up and down "does she really think her clothes are lolita?" glare. I was so embarrassed that i went home after an hour.

    I don't have money to buy the clothes is what it came down to. Actually i wore the bunny hoodie and pink frilly shirt in those pics i posted to the convention. Those are the only two pieces i own. I don't have any dresses or fancy bows and shoes...

    I feel like alot of girls that's are into those kinds of style dub you a "wannabe" if your not dressed head to toe in angelic pretty or liz lisa....

    Do you ever have to deal with people who think your a poser just because you don't have the clothes for it??

  3. sorry entered wrong domain lol! just wanted you to be the first to know (since i consider you my friend now ^_^) I'm changing my domain name to


  4. Thank you very much! You helped me a lot! I'm still new to all of the Japanese fashion so I'm not exactly clear on all the rules and guidelines. But you've definitely helped me understand a lot more about it! Thank you so very much! Your a real princess! ^_^

  5. LOL! yaaa I do change my layout a lot. I've been practicing with graphic design lately so i get really excited when i make something new ^_^(). But u don't have to worry i am gonna leave it like that for awhile. That one is my favorite too!

    Thanks for the hair tip! I think it will be a lot easier on me if i get it done that way! I definitely don't trust myself enough to dye my entire head. knowing me, i would destroy my hair.lol!

  6. hello Princess. I've been recently reading up on hime gyaru and I must say it's really growing on me a lot. I think the one thing i kept coming across was that hime gyaru are very sweet and polite. I really like that this specific style is actually telling people that it is more than just looking like a princess but you must become one inside as well.

    Could you please tell me a little more about hime gyaru? I'm actually considering switching up my style to more mature look. There are a lot of stores where i live that sell a lot of stuff that would be perfect for hime look. And it's affordable! So it would be a lot easier to transition my wardrobe.

    Maybe i could be your student? lol. Please tell me more about hime gyaru.