*Sigh* I feel like such a failure....
I've been dreading coming here for some time. Not because I hate being a Gyaru, or because of those who watch me.
It's not even because I think I'm boring, because I know I'm boring, and that doesn't really matter to me.
It's just that, I'm really ashamed at the progress I'm making, which is to say, I'm not making any right now.
You guys know I'm on a job hunt. What you don't know is that I'm applying for jobs that are above my range right now. I can't do retail anymore. I never want to go through the stress of trying to meet numbers (for those of you who read my entry back in January about having a panic attack, it was because of GameStop, and when I quit, I stopped having breathing problems immediately). I'm not a sales girl, and I couldn't persuade a drowning man to get into my boat. I'm just not cut-throat enough. And besides, I want a real job, one with steady hours and steady pay, a place where I can take a sick day and not worry about losing my paycheck, or fear that I'll be let go because I'm not performing as well as person X.
I can't really make anything, certainly nothing good enough to sell, nor do I have much money to spare on practicing. I don't live in a good town for babysitting. Ultimately, it's just me, applying for jobs that are out of my range.
Except, I'm not even doing that.
I had a couple of really great interviews a few months ago. One, I told you about with the keyholder position, and the other was for an entry level receptionist position. I felt they went great, but obviously they didn't.
That should have brought me hope. For so many months, I've been applying, and not even getting a message saying "Hey, thanks and all, but you're not what we're looking for, sorry!" so for me to finally get that far, I should have been even more determined.
Instead, I couldn't help but feel like a total failure. All I can think is that I've messed up, and for the past few months, I've been convincing myself not to bother trying again.
Because I don't have too much money to even spend on Gyaru things, or really anything besides food, I start telling myself it's kind of pointless to update this blog. I mean, what is there to say? 'Hey guys, totally still working on being a good Gyaru, lol!'? I can't keep feeding you all promises when I'm constantly telling myself "What's the point?"
What's worse is that I really have gotten better at being a Gyaru. I've even been able to coordinate my own outfits, something I've never been able to do unless it came as a set or looked similar to something I've seen someone elsewhere (years of just picking out a shirt and some jeans will do that to a person, you know).
I just don't have spare money. There's not really anything I can do around the house that will earn me anything, now that my Grandma has someone who will do all of that for us. And because I'm so gun-shy about the job market, I can't even say I'm still looking. Part of me wishes I had someone to keep me on the ball with this sort of thing, to nag me about keeping my promise of applying to 5 jobs a day. But I'm a realist. No one would do that, because I'm supposed to be taking care of myself. It shouldn't be someone else's job to make sure I look for one of my own, after all.
I think I'll take some time off here, until I get a job. It's not like I can really post anything here anyway. What's the point of having a blog about my journey towards being a Hime-Gyaru, if I can't even buy things to be one? And I can only fill these entries with 'We can do it' speeches for so long.
I don't know what I'll do, or how long I'll be away. I guess I'll return in a couple of months regardless. I wouldn't want others to think I've abandoned this blog when I really don't want to leave in the first place. I just don't want to keep posting pointless things. It's supposed to be a blog about my progress, so if I'm not making any, seems strange to keep coming here.... No one reads Gyaru blogs to read only about what they've cooked or a review on a magazine that anyone can download.
Currently, my Grandma is teaching me how to be a legal secretary, but at the rate we're going, I'm not sure how long I'll be doing that. Until then, I'll be trying to rally myself up again into applying for jobs once more. I have to imagine, there must be one person out there who needs a true workaholic.
I'm sorry, everyone, for letting you all down, but I just can't keep disappointing you all with these kinds of entries anymore. I don't want anymore entries about what I wish, but what I have....
How ironic, and I even got an award from Lavenrose about my blog too. I'm really sorry.