Saturday, July 31, 2010

Boring Ramblings

Sorry about the long gap, to be honest, I've been avoiding this place, lol.

Since the job opportunity was a huge bust, I haven't even left the house in a month, because I want to save the money I have to make monthly payments on my credit card. I haven't even gotten a bite on any of the applications I've sent. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a catch and that any job would be happy to have me.... Lol, so how do I convince them of that?

Unfortunately, a lot of other things have slipped as a result. I'm not taking care of my skin or hair like I used to, mostly because I don't feel the need to anyway. I guess I just keep thinking, I'm only going to be at home, and no one visits anyway, so what's the point? But I really want to. I keep bookmarking things I want to try, and I continue to read other blogs from makeup and fashion gurus out there. Someone did a review on a BB Cream called The Oriental Gold BB Cream that I was considering, and won me over with her pictures, as well as with her review on some lipsticks called Candy Doll, which may take a while to get to me, but seem really nice (since I have naturally dark lips, a color called Valencia seems to be the best match, lol), I need something that can cover, and it seems really thick, but not sticky it seems (which I love). I also found a great place for contacts, one that has pink contacts! The previews of people wearing them really look nice, because they really make brown eyes pop, and remind me of how my eyes look when I'm in the sun. Oh, and masks! I'm still kicking myself for not getting them when Mitsuwa had them, ugh!

I really miss all of this stuff, but with nowhere to go and nothing to do, I find my motivation completely drained. I hope I get a job soon, I really would like to get back to trying things out!

Another thing that drastically changed was my take on dating. A year ago, I broke up with an incredibly sweet person. So why would I do that? A lot of reasons, one being the distance, another being the fact that with the way I was, he was losing who he really was to me, and the major one being the fact that he was so insecure and became easily upset when something disappointed him (he actually became depressed because he had to kill a mosquito once.... I am not lying....) and it was always up to me to fix him. It went from this happening maybe once every couple of weeks, to it happening every other day, to the point where I dreaded talking to him on the phone, because I knew at some point, something would make him unhappy, and I would have to try harder and harder to convince him that he's worth something. He would ask me things like why I loved him, expecting very detailed reasons listed off at him. It was never enough simply that I loved him. And he always wanted to know something different that I liked. No one should have to prepare an essay everyday on why you chose them, right? It's only cute the first 3 times....

But, I digress.

Since that day, I haven't even really talked to a guy. Well, there was Jake, but thinking about the fact that I am done with long distance relationships and the fact that I really want to concentrate on getting a steady job to take care of myself, I let it go a couple months back. The few who have approached me are usually not my type. I have the unfortunate luck of liking shy type guys, and of course, they never have the courage to talk to me. As a result, I've been rather... single. At first, I was okay. Then summer started to hit, and I started to feel lonely again. But it was when my last single friend got a boyfriend, that I guess I snapped.

Well, not in a 'rage' type of snap, but it all just hit me, that of all of my friends, I was the only one who was single. And it didn't stop there, pretty much everyone I grew up with from 5th grade to college is either dating someone, engaged, or married with kids. For an hour, I just panicked, so to calm myself down, I started looking at clothes, furniture, even houses that I wanted to buy. I slipped into a world where I had the perfect bedroom in the perfect townhome, and the perfect wardrobe. It suddenly hit me, that when I thought about all of that, I didn't feel so lonely. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person, but I guess I am. I like the thought of buying my own things and seeing everything that I've accomplished with my own work. Very Capricorn, if I do say so myself.

It's probably not healthy to think this way, but it's better than being depressed over not having some guy! Besides, even my own subconscious has accepted it.

All I need is someone to hire meeeeeee! XD

Next update.... I don't know. Hopefully by then, I'll have a job with steady hours.