Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Upon Dreams

Thought about posting yesterday, but decided not to. I can't really remember why, especially because I did have something to say....

I know it's no good to spend so much time imagining a life I don't, and most likely wouldn't, have, but at least one thing good has come out of it.

See, now I'm thinking about what I really want. I may be glamorizing it a bit, but I have all of these hopes and dreams, which I think you're supposed to have. When I realized that game art and design wasn't what I wanted, I gave up all of that, because I felt that dreams don't come true unless you're really lucky or really persistent. I have no luck, and I have no money to be persistent, so dreams, to me, felt useless to have.

But I forgot what was important about having dreams, and that's that you have something to strive for, even if nothing goes right. It keeps you optimistic, especially if you don't let everything get you down, so you keep trying. I never thought of it that way.

I've always wanted to take sewing lessons at this place that will teach you how to draft your own patterns. There's so many outfits out there that I wish I could have but they're too expensive, or that I wish was a little different, whether it's in a color/pattern I don't like, or I feel it's lacking in something. I have quite a few sketches of outfits I'd love to make myself (I even just designed a cute furry cape just yesterday). I look at envy at people who can do all of this on the fly. The problem with me is that while I can look at almost every garment out there and mentally take it apart (so I know what all of the parts would look like, in pattern form), I just don't know how to piece it together. It's the technical aspect that confuses me. How to I cut these patterns to fit me? I know that once I figured that out, the rest of it would be easy. Too many sites just tell me to alter existing patterns, but in most cases, it just doesn't work, since the outfits I sometimes want to make are a little complex. This is why Lolita clothing is so expensive, that, mixed with quality fabric and lace.

Anyway, in my mind, I've got a full wardrobe of clothing that I made, and have decided that I like fashion so much, that I would go to school for it, even if I never actually used my degree (since for a lot of jobs, just having a degree at all makes you look good). I never really play out the other classes (math, science, whatnot) only because I found school too boring. Too much of it is just parroting back what the teacher said, and I felt I never really learned anything. It's like being told that 2+2=4. Of course, it is, but you're never told why, or how we got that answer, just simply that that is the answer. You might think "Well, it doesn't matter why," but think about it. If you know the why, then everything else will be easier to figure out! Then you understand why 3+3=6 or 7+12=19, and can even apply this logic to other addition problems. (I used to have problems in multiplication because no one told me the reasons behind it, and they just gave me a chart to memorize. But once I learned that multiplication was just adding up groups, multiplication became easy!)

Maybe it's the lack of creativity. You only got good grades if you said exactly what the teacher wanted you to say, so I always feel stifled, and then I become bored as a result. Unfortunately, my weakness as a person, if I'm bored, I don't even see the point of trying, and I'm off doing everything else. It's why I liked my Pre-Calculus class. The teacher made it interesting, and explained things. Easiest class ever, too bad it has no practical use, unless you're some kind of engineer, or want to also be a Calculus teacher, so I forgot most of it, lol.

I'm terrible at staying on task.

Anyway, in my head, I sell my own creations, from nails, to accessories, and of course clothes. I even sew replications of these brands for ball joint dolls, because who wouldn't want their girl decked out in Jesus Diamante? LOL! And I have my own business cards, die-cut like an emblem, embossed with a border around my picture, wearing my creations while decked out in Hime-kei. I can't make a living out of it, at least not on its own, but it would be a great hobby, one that would allow me the freedom of making something perfect in my eyes.

Still, I worry that things will turn out like they did for when I tried college before. I worry that I'll get bored again, and realize that I don't want to actually go into fashion. I guess when I really think about it, I never actually saw myself making games, but the stories behind the games, and the characters, whereas now, I do actively see myself making things. But I don't know, I'm scared of letting everyone down again. I just don't want to make another mistake and lose out on so much. I don't know what to do. The imagination makes everything sound so magical and happy, like if you just wish hard enough, everything will come true, and you too will have your dream home with dream boyfriend who brings you a dream puppy.... That's what I hate about it, lol.

I already know there's no way I'll actually get into the fashion business, not with this competition, and not with my style, and in a country where people want to be sexy and not cute, so the degree would just be for myself, something that would only matter to myself, and maybe some other girl who wants to go into fashion too.

When I think of it that way, the weight of it doesn't feel so heavy, like my future is riding on it. But would that mean I won't try as hard, because I don't need it as much? Lots of people go to these schools because they want to make clothes for the world, while I just want it so I can learn more about it, understand the hows and whys, and use it towards what I want to do. I don't have dreams of being a serious entrepreneur, I have dreams of living in comfort for the rest of my life. I don't desire dressing up the best biggest name in Hollywood, I just want to know that I made someone's perfect dress once. I won't own my own boutique in New York City, I'll own my own townhouse in the suburbs. And I'll be toiling away in my shabby chic/romantic Victorian style bedroom on my next creation, and live happily ever after.

That sounds like the perfect imaginary life.
And words and words and words and words.

Meanwhile, this place is even easier to design, I think I'll finally work on creating the Blogger space I like. Maybe. It's not like I don't have the perfect picture to put up there.

Also, I spent a whole day away from Facebook, to take my mind off of how utterly lonely I was. I'd still be away, but I accidentally went (whenever I go to a different website, I tend to check my Facebook first, out of habit, lol). I got one of those things that blocks the site, so next time I go out of habit, it'll take me somewhere else. I need to keep my mind off of my situation, because it's getting to me.

Except, I didn't tell anyone.... Lol, no one has noticed yet, so I bet they won't.

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