Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Mind


How depressing is it that I spend more time in my imagination than I do in the real world?

I had a strange dream that tossed me around for a bit.
I guess I was getting home from a date with some guy, maybe one I saw in a picture earlier that week, I don't know. It was night time, and we were talking. I wanted to kiss him, but I worried that because it's been so long since my last kiss (over 4 years now) and because I had next to no experience with that sort of affection, I was scared to. The sun was rising, and he gave me a hug. I didn't want to leave it at that, so I figured I'd take a chance anyway, and that I couldn't go wrong with a small kiss anyway. So I kissed him. It felt strangely nostalgic, even though I've never been kissed that way. In fact, it was my perfect first kiss, the kind I used to wish for when I was younger. I never got that kiss, unfortunately, but that's due to a whole 'nother psychology session.

I went inside and headed to my room, and was clearing off my bed to prepare to go to sleep. There were notes all over my wall from my grandma, telling me to do things, but I ignored them, because I was in too much of a good mood. I woke up shortly after noticing my camera was shining some kind of orange light through the view finder as I turned it off.

I wondered what it meant.
The dream dictionary I go to says that if you kiss a stranger, it means you've accepted an aspect of yourself. However, it also says that if I'm dreaming of kissing someone's boyfriend, it means that I'm jealous and I wish I was in a relationship. Thing is, I can't remember if I recognized him or not, because I don't really remember his face, I just feel like I recognized him, and if I do, he was definitely someone's boyfriend. I'm not really sure of what to think. But since that dream, I haven't been able to get that image and contented feeling out of my head.

I feel a little of both. I'm jealous, and want to be loved again, but when I think about where I am in life, I feel like it's not time yet. Herein lies the confusion.

I named the dream guy 'Jeremy', since I felt the need to call him something other than 'some guy'.

I wonder if 'Jeremy' is really out there. Or maybe this is just a vision of a parallel me, that in some other dimension, everything is all together with me. Or maybe my mind is just trying to cheer me up, what with it feeling like every girl on my Facebook is rubbing, nay, smashing it in my face about how happy they are with their boyfriends for this whole week (I guess it's not their fault, I guess I'd do it too if I had a super wonderful boyfriend to show off too). If it's the last one, I should thank it. At least it understands what, or should I say who, I've been through.

I was the only child of a single mother. I couldn't go out after school, because my mom wasn't home, so I spent a lot of time in my head, pretending I had lots of friends to hang out with. It's really sad that decades later, nothing has changed besides my height and teeth.

I'm just in a bad mood today. No amount of looking at things I can't afford now is cheering me up. I just want to close my eyes and spend more time in the dream world, where a 'Jeremy' is frantically tousling his hair in the mirror, trying to look his very best for when he shows up on the next date. Real guys have too much baggage for me nowadays. I may be lonely, but at least it's better than being betrayed, abused, or emotionally drained. I wish I hadn't learned any of that the hard way.

Denial. Maybe.But I do feel a little better, now that I got to vent somewhere.
To sleep.

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