Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Finding Ways to Say I'm Not Sorry

It's been some time since I've gotten to really rant.
I'm not looking for any sympathy, I just really want to get it all out, or else it'll haunt my thoughts and I won't be able to sleep at all.

I live with my grandmother.  I have for some time.  I'm kind of in charge of taking care of her.  She needs me all the time, and while it's good to take care of the elders in your family, I wish I wasn't the only one....

Sunday, I went out to get my car fixed up.  It was 83°F outside, so I decided to wear my shorts, but I hadn't shaved in a bit, so I put on one of my lace stockings under them.  My floral ones.  I like them.  They're comfy and elegant.
At least, I thought so.

My grandmother saw me when I came home.  She made a joke about them.  She likes to sound cute about things.  I just rolled my eyes and went to my room to get changed back into my pajamas.

Tonight, my grandmother decided to talk to me about them.  I was hurt when the word "trashy" popped up, but I was livid when she assumed I was doing it for a man's attention.  The conversation ended with "Do you think a Christian woman like yourself should be conducting yourself in such a manner, dressed like a... prostitute?" before I had to step in.

It was only the stockings, mind you.  Had I just worn the shorts on their own, it would have been alright.

We've been getting along for the past few weeks.  Not amazing, but certainly better than before.
But tonight just reminds me that, no, she will never accept me, no matter what I do, because I'm not doing what she wishes I would.

You're supposed to listen to the elders.  They know better.
But what do you do when what they say goes against who you are?  What do you do when you completely disagree?

We are complete opposites when it comes to personalities.  It's obvious we will clash as long as we live together.  It doesn't help that I like being alone and am constantly protecting my personal space.

I know I've said it before, that she will never accept me.  But it doesn't make the pain any less every time I realize how evident it is.

I could just go with whatever she says, but that would only cause me stress.  After all, a large part of my stress stems from many years of suppressing who I was and what I really wanted out of life.
I'm already fighting with her over my path, and that's clearly not working.

What do I do?  Until I find a decent paying job, I'm stuck here, ever alert to moments just like this, keeping everything I am and everything I do guarded from her prying eyes, because I know she'll only make a negative comment about it.  The more this happens, the more I'm starting to think that should I ever leave, that I will have no choice but to push her from my life.  We will never see eye to eye, because we are both stubborn over our beliefs, me because I've done, and am still doing research and am discovering the flaws in the things I grew up with, her because they are deep-seeded and they have been done for centuries before her and are therefore absolute.

It's a battle of old-fashioned vs. new-fashioned.  She feels she's got to "save" me from destruction when I'm only paving a new trail.

It was only recently that I decided to finally be myself and that I wasn't doing anything evil or wrong for doing things in a new way.  So how do I deal with someone who seems to think I am, or am at least really close to it?  How do I make her see that while I may look naive and young, I've experienced so much more than she could ever imagine?  Is there a way to preserve my way of life while satisfying what she wants to see in me?  Or is this a losing battle and should I just abandon ship and forge my own way regardless of what she wants?  Even when she acknowledges that I'm an adult and can do what I want, I know she'll only make comments as long as I do it, to me and to others.  She actually wanted to have me wear that ensemble again, just so she could go around asking others if they thought I looked trashy.

*sigh*  We may forever clash in life, but she's still family, and family is very important to me.  But still, every time she opens her mouth, I cringe at her narrow-mindedness.  I wonder what she would do if she found out that I almost lost my faith because of her personal beliefs.

No, I know this is a losing battle.  I guess I don't really need answers to these questions.
I'll just have to keep forging ahead, reminding myself that I'm not a bad person for being myself.  It's just really sad that I will have to forever put her in the group of people who won't accept me because of who I am.  A random stranger is easy to ignore.  Family is not.  I just wish there was a way I could tell her to keep her opinions to herself from now on.

Well, this was a load off of my mind, because these are things I've been thinking about for a while.  I have no one to talk to about this personally anymore, so I guess it just builds up.  The one weakness of being a lone goat, lol.

So things aren't too heavy in this entry, I think I will post up an eye makeup attempt tomorrow/later today, if she's not at home again.  I finally got it to look really good last Friday, and I think I can recreate it.  I'll need to get opinions of it eventually!


  1. I follow your blog and I have never commented yet but this post is so moving ;-; Be strong! This situation is really hard to live I think but in a certain way, it can help you. If you can be yourself even under family pressure, you can bear everything. Cheer up! ♥

    PS: sorry for my bad english x_x

  2. Here's what I've learned about living with grandparents: they're set in their ways. And in some cases, they deserve to be. My grandmother has spent 80 years on this earth, and she's struggled to be as successful as she is. So even though she rags on me because I'm too fat, or maybe I'm dressing too sexy...

    It pisses me off, too. I broke down and yelled at her once- really yelled, shouting and screaming. I was so upset at her for trying to control who I am. But my mother made me realize something: I have my whole life to live. I have more years in front of me than my grandmother does. Would I want her last few years with me to be filled with hate?

    You have every right to be upset. No one should tell you how to live your life and how to be YOU. But don't let her get to you. Old folks are set in their ways, even if they're nasty.

    Stay strong!

  3. @MiNi- Thank you for your kind words. <3 It is true, it can teach me that, and I am an avid believer in the fact that one can learn something from every life experience. It's so difficult though.... But I'll try hard! Also, your English is great, better than some of us over here! <3

    @Toriberry- I do understand what you're saying, but.... Well, the fights are happening more and more, especially now that I'm starting to realize her way of life for me doesn't work for me at all. I worry that it's causing a rift between us. Like you said, she won't be around forever, but every fight we have brings me a little closer to actually being okay with her not being in my life anymore, and that scares me. I don't want my last memory of her to be me glad that I don't have to see her anymore. Very complicated feelings. @_@ Still, you're right, and I just have to persevere. If I can stop letting her get to me, I probably won't have these thoughts anymore. I just wish it was easier to state my side of the story. It's not compromise if I'm the only one giving in!

  4. You're right, it's not compromise, and it's totally not fair. But while that's clear to you and me, it's not clear to everyone, unfortunately.

    Maybe whenever she tries to bait you into a fight, you can just nod your head and agree with her. I find that strategy seems to work with the older members of my family when times are rough. Once they hear you agree with them, they feel satisfied and will likely drop the matter.