Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Final Straw?

I had this dream yesterday. It was pretty depressing....

I was finishing up dinner with my family, and I left. I started walking out in my grandmother's backyard. It was barren, but there were construction tools and vehicles everywhere, like she was remodeling. On the ground, I noticed half of a cream colored dog on the ground. I was curious about it, but for some reason, I didn't really react. I went inside, and looked in the refrigerator for some food, because even though I had dinner, I was extremely hungry. I saw all of these containers of fancy gelatin desserts. I asked my grandmother what they were for, and she said she made them for us to enjoy. I picked up a small dish of the gelatin, and was thinking about eating it, but suddenly it came to mind that my grandmother doesn't even like gelatin. I realized something was wrong, and I asked her what really happened. She revealed that she made them as an apology, and suddenly started looking around, and realizing that my dogs (I don't actually own any dogs) were missing. I ran outside. There were people now in the backyard, clearing out land, but scattered around where the parts of my 2 dogs, one cream and one black. I was horrified, and my grandmother told me that while they were taking down the fence, the barbed wire atop it had snapped and sliced both dogs in half. I couldn't react. I wasn't angry or upset, I just became completely hopeless.

The whole day, I tried to stay away from her. I needed the silence, but she eventually called me to get her some ice cream (she likes to pretend she's only doing it for me, but she only asks when she wants something). I was doing alright, up until that point, and for some reason, the moment I went back into my room, I started crying again. What was happening? I wasn't thinking of anything depressing, nor was I reminding myself of all of the disappointment she's caused. My mind was just.... blank. But I had to cry. I couldn't even hold the tears back....

Then when I came back out of my room, after getting dressed, just seeing her again, I could barely get out of the door before my tears started up again. I think this time, my hopelessness in her and our situation is completely full. I feel nothing when I think of her. Not anger, no frustration, just a void. I can see she wants to try. But I can see she's set in her ways. She wants her little girl back, the one who listened and believed in her words without falter. That little girl is long gone, and now I'm an adult who wants to experience her own life in her own way. She wants me to be happy, this I am sure.... But she wants me to be her version of happy, happy in the way that makes her happy. This is a way I don't wish to follow. And therefore, I know she'll never approve of me. Actually, I always knew this, but I guess I was just hoping she would never confirm it. I guess I thought that if I believed enough, that I could let her into my life, and she wouldn't look down on me.

She loves me, I know.... but she will never love who I am or who I want to be, because I am not her perfect vision of a child anymore.
I'd think that with a realization like that, I'd just be crying nonstop. When I think about it, I'm disappointed, but I don't feel like crying. So it's only when I see her. Maybe it's like realizing the hero you idolized for half of your life is all smoke and mirrors. Maybe seeing them in person, still trying to pretend they can be your hero just gets to you.

She may follow the bible down to the letter, but she is still very far from perfect.

So today, I will no longer worry about what she thinks of me, because I already know that she has disapproved, is disapproving, and will disapprove of me and my choices, regardless of what they are, because they are not hers. I will no longer hope that she'll realize that her perfect version of me will never exist, because her path is not one I want to follow. We will forever disagree on this. Though it's really painful to think about, because she is still my grandma, and her opinion of me really mattered for a long time, even when I told myself it didn't.

*sigh* So today, it's time to completely become my own person. Not the way I thought I was before, but really this time. The person who not only accepts who she is, but accepts that even her own family might not accept it. It's scary, because I grew up afraid of being the wrong person in front of them. But it's clearly causing me a lot of stress to keep bottling it up.

I am a hime-gyaru, and I dream of closets full of beautiful clothes that I both buy and make myself. I enjoy expensive things, and the thought of working hard to accomplish my goals alone fills me with bliss. I want to be self-made, never having to answer to anyone but the one who signs my checks. I am a Red Letter Christian. I will never hate homosexuals, bisexuals, or transsexuals, and I will always root for them. My friends mean as much to me as my own mom. My best work is done as a sidekick to the world. I'm harsh on judging men because of my experiences with them. I try not to be, but I am always suspicious of their motives. I like my time alone a lot. A full day of peace is perfection for me. I honestly feel no need to try hard at something if there's no benefit for me. I have a firm belief that if you want something, you'll try your hardest to get it, otherwise you never really wanted it in the first place. It takes me a long time to make up my mind, because I'm always thinking about what I really want, and worried about regretting my decision. That's why I always lie and say it doesn't matter. To me, the idea of wearing wigs and makeup isn't being fake, unless you lie and say you're not wearing a wig or makeup. I forgive, but I never forget. I don't like PDA, I don't like idle chit-chat or forced conversation, I don't like being hit on. I tend to overwhelm myself, because I am overly ambitious. I have a complex over my chest, and I don't think I'll ever see them as big enough. I think everything a person goes through will teach them something about life. There's a lesson hidden in everything we do. I'm very interested in astrology, though I'm completely skeptical of most other things. I like to believe I'm secretly a sex vixen, though I'm much too shy and traditional to ever do anything. I attach to people I like quickly, but my trust is earned very slowly.

I am not perfect, but this 'me' makes me happiest. For the first time in a long time, I don't have to pretend I'm okay with the way things are.

Hm, but what am I going to do about my situation? It'll be another couple of years before I get my own dream house.... Well, we'll see. I've learned something today.

I'm like that guy from Golden Boy, except I never find myself in the presence of some ultra gorgeous guy to work for, lol.
Study, study, study.

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