Best Friends

You know, something suddenly came to me, just a few moments ago.... ;_;

Today, when I accidentally corrected myself over a word, a friend of Tara's corrected me, saying I was right the first time. That prompted Tara to respond with "B., I <3 you =P" I was a little disappointed for a moment, wondering why she didn't say it for both of us, even though I know she didn't mean it that way at all, but it got me thinking.

When I'm with Tara, she talks about B. a lot, because they're best friends. I realized, I don't have a best friend.

I mean, I have my very close friends, friends who I love so much, but I don't have much in common with them.

For every one thing a friend and I have together, there's twenty things that are completely separate. For example, Tara likes Lolita, but she's not a fan of Ageha, Victorian era things, or fashion design like I am. Meanwhile, she's into RPs, DnD, American comics, none of which I'm into. I can appreciate that she likes it, and I can even be excited for her when she talks about what she's doing, or what she's acquired.... But it's not the same as being excited that I'll get to borrow her next comic or anything. These are major aspects of our lives, not just little pieces.

Niki has Steve too. They were friends before they dated, and even now, they have so much in common.

I wish I had that kind of friend too, one who's excited with me, not excited for me. I know it's silly to believe there's a person who's exactly like me, but I just wish I could meet someone close.


Well, knowing me, she lives somewhere in Nevada or Canada or something.


Anyway, I read my birth chart a few days ago, to compare to Niki's. Well, first off, most of mine, from my sun and rising signs, to a lot of the houses, basically says I have to be alone, lol. But I noticed one part of it that says I'd be most successful if I let my entrepreneurial side go out there. I couldn't help but be a little excited about a future online shop. I don't need to make it big, but I'd love to have a steady shop, with factories to make my designs XD It would be sad to only make one size of a dress, or be always out of stock, but be in high demand. I am only one person, who's main job definitely wouldn't be making clothes, so if I got a real job, working for 8 hours, that would only give me a few hours a day, plus Saturday, and maybe Sunday, I don't think I could churn out clothes that quickly....

Eh, maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself, lol. I saw a commercial for a school on fashion, it got me excited XD Maybe someday I'll enroll.

Phones

You know, I'm always so jealous of Japanese cell phones. They're just so.... pretty!

I don't just mean decoden, though those are extra gorgeous, but the phones themselves. The phones we have around here are so.... masculine. You'd even be hard-pressed to find one in pink, and even moreso for a pastel pink. And they're always so ahead of the curve when it comes to features.

I hardly ever used mine, but I think I would, if mine were super pretty. And if it had features. None of my phones ever did, because I had to pay for everything myself....

So, I decided to look on the market for some unlocked phones. Ended up finding my way to YesAsia and found the LG GT540 Optimus in pink. It got pretty good reviews, and from what I've gathered, it's pretty much everything I want in a phone anyway, plus a few extra perks. It runs on Android OS, and that was a big plus since I'm just not a fan of Apple anyway. I'm pretty sure it's not from Japan, but it's cute and pretty good, for it's price~ I'm all about great function for a low price~! That's how I decided on my FinePix.


Today, I read a younger girl's blog. I was kind of chuckling at what she was posting, not because it was silly or immature or anything, but because it sounds a lot like me at her age, lol. I like to think I've matured since 4 years ago.

You know, says the girl into being like a princess and all....

My blogs from back then were really embarrassing too. Lots of "OMG, I love this guy, let me talk about him for the next 18 posts about his shiny hair~!!!!" and "Ugh, why won't this guy notice me when I never talk to him, or even look at him, or anything! Why does he talk to my friend, who's always hanging out with him, and has no clue that I even have feelings for him?? I'm so JEALOUS!" and whatnot. Nowadays, when I think about the thoughts that went through my mind then, I want to cringe. Did I really say that? Was I honestly thinking that? I was so silly back then!

I'm sure in another 4 years, I'll look at these posts, and laugh at how silly I was, with all the grandma drama I went through. Or maybe I'll agree? There are some old posts that still hold true today.... Well, I don't know what the future will hold. Maybe I'll be single for the next 5 years, and regress, lol! It's not bad being single, but I don't think I'd like that at all....


*sigh* See, now I'm just rambling, because I'm in a mood.


My mom came over today. Today, she and my uncle told me I was so cool. Not in a "Oh, you're the coolest person ever!" but in one of those "She's so laid back and relaxed" way. I guess I come off like this, because I'm always holding back my emotions. It looks really cool to everyone else, like nothing ever affects me, but it's probably not so good on the inside. It's probably why I'm always on edge, when I live with them. I think they'd be really surprised if they found out about what I was really interested in, or my future plans. I bet they'll come into my bedroom, and just wonder what little girl used to live in there before, lol. I know my mom would be perfectly fine with it, though she probably would wish I'd act my real age, not the age I look.... My grandma would find it way too flashy and chastise me for it (and probably think demons were the cause of it, lol). Anyway, I think they'd think I was weird anyway. I'm not at all like they think I am. They know me as the quiet girl who never cared much for fashion or makeup. They're in for a surprise!

Well anyway I better head off. It's almost 10:30p. I've completely been failing my sleep schedule. Finally got it right yesterday, but I woke up at 2a and didn't go back to sleep until 6a, so I had to compensate by sleeping until noon.... One day, I'll get it!

Lifestyle Hime-Gyaru?

The more I learn about Hime-kei and everything around it, the more I really like it.


I remember when years ago, I used to look at this sort of thing, convinced that because I didn't feel I had the figure for it, that I couldn't pull it off, and therefore I didn't like it. I shied away from skirts and dresses, because I was ashamed of my 'bird legs'. I wore baggy clothes, because it hid my body. Used to tell myself and everyone (convincingly) that I wasn't girly at all, even though I secretly longed to wear something feminine.


I can't regret those moments, because they did make me who I am. I can sort of understand the logic behind what guys do, like playing video games for hours on end (something I used to do a lot in my teen years) or looking at a girl, even if they're with their girlfriend. But there's negatives there too. I could get along well with most guys, but they only ever saw me as "the friend". Actually, I don't think any guys ever really saw me as a female either.

You know, the first time I ever got asked out was from a guy in my Sophomore year in high school. He knew me for 3 days and told me he liked me. I turned him down, because I didn't know him well enough. He unfortunately took that the wrong way, and made fun of me after that.... I wouldn't be asked out again until the end of my Senior year, when 2 different Freshman boys would approach me. One never said a word, and sent his friend over to me to get my number. Another, whose friends would make fun of me, and he'd laugh with them, came by me and asked when I was going to be his girlfriend. Oh, and I guess there was a brief moment in my Junior year, when a friend of mine out of the blue asked what I would do if he came over and kissed me. This was the same guy who used to brag about how many girls he'd had sex with....

He would later ask me how I felt about a mutual friend. I had only known him for a few months, so I just told him I liked him as a friend, but I didn't know enough about him to think any further. He couldn't understand that at all....


I often wonder if things would have been very different if I knew about Hime-kei back then. Well, first, I'd need a ton of self-esteem, because I know for a fact, most people wouldn't accept it. But would I have known the same people I knew before? Maybe I would have gotten approached more? Or maybe less, because people would be worried I was high-maintenance? Not that it would have mattered. Looking back, I really only remember a few decent males around. Most of them were completely not my type, or at least pretended to be the types I hated. Of the few that were, they were usually taken, and for good reason.


Well, anyway....


Is there a such thing as a Lifestyle Hime? I've seen Violet, who also considers herself Hime, but seems to go for a more casual style than I like. Of course, there's probably a bunch of them in Japan.... (Then again, they love cute things over there, maybe that's all it is) Is it even called that? I'm wondering, because every time I read more about it or see another picture of a girl in a cute dress, I see myself, always incorporating the style into my everyday life. I don't want to just wear it, I want to be it. Well, that's not to say I want to walk around pretending to be a princess or anything. I just want to have that daintiness and refinement that goes with it.

I'm starting to be reassured, it's not a fad. It's almost been a year since I first came across this style, and I still really enjoy it. If after this long, I still take an interest in it, then it's definitely for me! ^_^


I just wish more people around me could be into this with me. How lonely -_-

What I've learned about fashion

Lately, I've been getting into Elouai.
It's one of those dress up websites from Korea. Actually, I found it years ago, when someone linked it after doing the room maker, but recently, I've been doing the dress up games.

The ones I've been most fond of are by a place called Roiworld. Apparently, they're now owned by Lifetime, but these were the ones from before, when they just had their own website.

As you can see, I tend to dress by color theme, because I'm really boring like that, lol. Whenever I'm looking at clothes on Yesstyle, and I see some weird combination of colors, like purple and bright green with black pants, I always just go "Why??" even though I know some people look at that and go "Awesome!" Fashion is what you make it, and as long as you're not afraid of what others might think (and you're not breaking any rules or laws), you should do what you like most. I'm always going to be the boring type that color coordinates, choosing to tie everything together with a main piece, or a color that connects the others. I'm really weird about it too, if one color has too much saturation compared to another, I won't think they go together. Maybe I have no imagination.


I've also been looking at a lot of furniture, specifically wardrobes. I've realized I'm going to have to do a lot of work on, but that only makes me happier, because then it means I'll get to have pieces that no one else will have. Currently, I'm designing a style I like. I'm looking for a 3 door, with 2 spots for only hanging, so I can put shoes on the bottom, and one spot with dressers and a shelf. But not only that, I'm actually going to paint a design on it, and line it with velvet. It sounds like a huge 3 weekend job, best done with a few friends, so it sounds really exciting. I think it's going to be my main piece in my future room; I just have to find the right wardrobe. I can't wait to start work on my whole room. It'll be hard work, but it'll be a labor of love ^_^ It'll take a while, but I know it'll happen someday.


Lot's of planning!

Final Straw?

I had this dream yesterday. It was pretty depressing....

I was finishing up dinner with my family, and I left. I started walking out in my grandmother's backyard. It was barren, but there were construction tools and vehicles everywhere, like she was remodeling. On the ground, I noticed half of a cream colored dog on the ground. I was curious about it, but for some reason, I didn't really react. I went inside, and looked in the refrigerator for some food, because even though I had dinner, I was extremely hungry. I saw all of these containers of fancy gelatin desserts. I asked my grandmother what they were for, and she said she made them for us to enjoy. I picked up a small dish of the gelatin, and was thinking about eating it, but suddenly it came to mind that my grandmother doesn't even like gelatin. I realized something was wrong, and I asked her what really happened. She revealed that she made them as an apology, and suddenly started looking around, and realizing that my dogs (I don't actually own any dogs) were missing. I ran outside. There were people now in the backyard, clearing out land, but scattered around where the parts of my 2 dogs, one cream and one black. I was horrified, and my grandmother told me that while they were taking down the fence, the barbed wire atop it had snapped and sliced both dogs in half. I couldn't react. I wasn't angry or upset, I just became completely hopeless.

The whole day, I tried to stay away from her. I needed the silence, but she eventually called me to get her some ice cream (she likes to pretend she's only doing it for me, but she only asks when she wants something). I was doing alright, up until that point, and for some reason, the moment I went back into my room, I started crying again. What was happening? I wasn't thinking of anything depressing, nor was I reminding myself of all of the disappointment she's caused. My mind was just.... blank. But I had to cry. I couldn't even hold the tears back....

Then when I came back out of my room, after getting dressed, just seeing her again, I could barely get out of the door before my tears started up again. I think this time, my hopelessness in her and our situation is completely full. I feel nothing when I think of her. Not anger, no frustration, just a void. I can see she wants to try. But I can see she's set in her ways. She wants her little girl back, the one who listened and believed in her words without falter. That little girl is long gone, and now I'm an adult who wants to experience her own life in her own way. She wants me to be happy, this I am sure.... But she wants me to be her version of happy, happy in the way that makes her happy. This is a way I don't wish to follow. And therefore, I know she'll never approve of me. Actually, I always knew this, but I guess I was just hoping she would never confirm it. I guess I thought that if I believed enough, that I could let her into my life, and she wouldn't look down on me.


She loves me, I know.... but she will never love who I am or who I want to be, because I am not her perfect vision of a child anymore.
I'd think that with a realization like that, I'd just be crying nonstop. When I think about it, I'm disappointed, but I don't feel like crying. So it's only when I see her. Maybe it's like realizing the hero you idolized for half of your life is all smoke and mirrors. Maybe seeing them in person, still trying to pretend they can be your hero just gets to you.


She may follow the bible down to the letter, but she is still very far from perfect.


So today, I will no longer worry about what she thinks of me, because I already know that she has disapproved, is disapproving, and will disapprove of me and my choices, regardless of what they are, because they are not hers. I will no longer hope that she'll realize that her perfect version of me will never exist, because her path is not one I want to follow. We will forever disagree on this. Though it's really painful to think about, because she is still my grandma, and her opinion of me really mattered for a long time, even when I told myself it didn't.



*sigh* So today, it's time to completely become my own person. Not the way I thought I was before, but really this time. The person who not only accepts who she is, but accepts that even her own family might not accept it. It's scary, because I grew up afraid of being the wrong person in front of them. But it's clearly causing me a lot of stress to keep bottling it up.


Honestly,
I am a hime-gyaru, and I dream of closets full of beautiful clothes that I both buy and make myself. I enjoy expensive things, and the thought of working hard to accomplish my goals alone fills me with bliss. I want to be self-made, never having to answer to anyone but the one who signs my checks. I am a Red Letter Christian. I will never hate homosexuals, bisexuals, or transsexuals, and I will always root for them. My friends mean as much to me as my own mom. My best work is done as a sidekick to the world. I'm harsh on judging men because of my experiences with them. I try not to be, but I am always suspicious of their motives. I like my time alone a lot. A full day of peace is perfection for me. I honestly feel no need to try hard at something if there's no benefit for me. I have a firm belief that if you want something, you'll try your hardest to get it, otherwise you never really wanted it in the first place. It takes me a long time to make up my mind, because I'm always thinking about what I really want, and worried about regretting my decision. That's why I always lie and say it doesn't matter. To me, the idea of wearing wigs and makeup isn't being fake, unless you lie and say you're not wearing a wig or makeup. I forgive, but I never forget. I don't like PDA, I don't like idle chit-chat or forced conversation, I don't like being hit on. I tend to overwhelm myself, because I am overly ambitious. I have a complex over my chest, and I don't think I'll ever see them as big enough. I think everything a person goes through will teach them something about life. There's a lesson hidden in everything we do. I'm very interested in astrology, though I'm completely skeptical of most other things. I like to believe I'm secretly a sex vixen, though I'm much too shy and traditional to ever do anything. I attach to people I like quickly, but my trust is earned very slowly.

I am not perfect, but this 'me' makes me happiest. For the first time in a long time, I don't have to pretend I'm okay with the way things are.


Hm, but what am I going to do about my situation? It'll be another couple of years before I get my own dream house.... Well, we'll see. I've learned something today.

I'm like that guy from Golden Boy, except I never find myself in the presence of some ultra gorgeous guy to work for, lol.
Study, study, study.

The stress of it all.

I had another panic attack just a few moments ago. It's been around 10 months since

Right now, I'm in tears, though I'm not specifically sure what it is I'm really crying about. It seems weird to post in my blog about it, but I thought that maybe if I saw my thoughts before me, I might make sense of it all.

I don't really care what anyone thinks of me now. I've got nothing to hide from the faceless Internet anyway, besides my social.


Today, I was meant to go to Niki's for her birthday party. I got there a bit late, as I got caught up in watching the Simpsons. I rang the doorbell. For a while, no one answered, though I knew they were there, and that Niki was expecting me. But Steve answered, and told me that it was cancelled at the last minute. He only told me that something a bit more serious came up. I immediately started to worry, but he only told me that he would tell me later. As scared as I was for what had happened, it wasn't my place to press, so I left, already on the verge of tears. Even now, I don't know what happened. I didn't see Niki at all, so I'm scared that something happened to her. I hope that everything will be alright.

I came home, and tried to take my mind off of things by watching more TV.


An hour later, my grandma told me to go to the store and buy a newspaper for some job searching. I told her that there probably weren't that many people, if any anymore, posting jobs in there (which is a big reason for why newspapers are going out of business), especially when there are countless places where you can post your jobs for free.

Her rebuttal was something along the lines of "But they used to..." They did. In the 90's. Now everything is done electronically.

We got into an argument. She unfortunately has no idea what anything is like anymore. She has no idea what it's like to go into a field like this, and how many people I'm competing against. People who have had experience, and simply had to leave to downsizing, or the office going altogether. People who have college degrees, which shows they can stick with it. People with impressive resumes, who probably worked at places like GameStop like many years ago. Call me a cynic, but I know it's not that easy.

But it got to me, that for a year, I haven't had any real luck in even landing an interview, no matter the resume changes, the paragraphs on my integrity, or even the fact that technically, I've been working as a receptionist for 3 years, it just was under a different, less refined name of 'sales associate' (which I swear, conjures up images of some 18 year old working at a large clothing store in the mall.... you know, the ones who never talk to you, or even acknowledge your existence until you've been standing at the register for 5 minutes.... I've come across that waaaaaay too many times). Well, I started to have a panic attack, so I rushed into my room to try to calm my breathing. My grandma started calling me, but since she was the reason I was so stressed, I ignored her. She went into a rage and stormed into my room.

I revealed to her that she would never accept who I am, because she believed who I am is wrong. She tried, but couldn't really defend herself after that. Further proof, I really need to leave. Oh yeah, and she really did think my 12 year old looking doll was "seductive" and that it was probably corrupting my mind. Mind's been corrupted years ago, Grandma.


It seemed to end on a good note (well, average, she's still trying to wrap herself around the fact that I'm not the little girl she used to know before and that I never will be again), but I couldn't stop crying after that, while not really crying over anything at all. Maybe it was a whole collaboration of all of my stress suddenly exploding at that moment. I hadn't thought about it for a while, after all. I've been upset that the only offers for jobs I've been getting are scammers, plus today with Niki (turns out everything is okay, I just found out), the guy next door not having a working car alarm button, so every time he opens that door, I have to hear the siren go off until he starts the car half a minute later WHILE he yells at his girlfriend, the money troubles I've been having lately.... *sigh* No wonder I was crying. My mind may not want to admit it, but my heart always knows.


Well, typing it did seem to calm me down, so I'm glad I did it. I'm still trying to regulate my breathing, as I'm back to having a hard time getting a good enough breath, and I still start tearing up when I think about it all at once again. I think I need to play some Touhou and Kirby Air Ride, just drone out and concentrate on not dying or something.


I am Self Made. Or, I'm trying hard to be.

Today

I'm doing even worse at my schedule. Today, I didn't go to sleep until sometime around 4a.... Yet, I still woke up at 7a, then again at the end of 8a. In fact, I decided to wake up this time. Yesterday, I only slept until sometime after 1a, yet I ended up going back to sleep a lot. I woke up 3 times during my 7a-9a window, then I just kept going, until I think noon.... to which I went back to sleep until around 6p, lol. It was a lazy day.


I dream a lot, every day, and they usually very strange dreams. I could go on every day about some crazy thing that happened in one, however, today I want to talk about a specific dream that I had a few days off of 2 years ago, the day I finally confronted my attacker. As a kid, I used to have a lot of dreams where I was running from something. It was never an unknown thing, it was always something I could see that was definitely scary, like a giant dinosaur, or a clearly evil man with a gun, and once from giant meteors. I used to wake up exhausted, because though my body was stuck in sleep paralysis, it still struggled to move. Most, if not all of the time, I couldn't actually run, or I found that running only made me move slowly, so I had to run like an animal on all fours, or lay on the air and pull at the ground beneath me, gliding away. Well, on Oct. 8th, 2008, it started off like many of my dreams, a threat coming, and me having to run. But things got a little different this time. Near the end of my dream, I became tired of the chase. I turned around and decided to employ some ingenuity, trying to sneak up on the man. I finally stood up to him, and attacked him back, filled with all of the rage and frustration from the hundreds of chase dreams before! You know what happened? He just turned and smiled! That's when I realized that all of this time, he had been testing me, wanting to see if I would ever confront him.

I don't know what happened on October 8th or shortly before it to warrant this dream, but ever since that day, I never had another dream where I was chased. Nowadays, I occasionally have a dream where I'm chasing something though, which seems to mean I'm being ambitious.

Today's dream, I was chasing after someone who left their dress behind, but I was just reminded of that particular dream. I wonder what happened that day. I'm certainly glad about it though. I was so exhausted after those dreams, and this was before I went to the doctor about my anemia, so it was even worse....


Himena Osaki is just so cute~! Lately, she's been catching up with Riho in my eyes as favorite.

Wahhhh~! She's being especially cute here <333

I think if she ever stopped being into Hime-kei, I'd cry. Well, not really, but I'd be pretty disappointed. I know she probably doesn't incorporate this style into everything she does (like I really want to, but that's because I really like this whole thing) and the picture above certainly isn't a representation of what she might wear on a daily basis or even on a weekly basis (lol, I think I would totally wear this kind of thing at least every Saturday. PRINCESS DAY!). But she always comes off as very princess-y no matter what. I think I want to be the more regal type.... Well, not that I would go around pretending to be a princess or something, just, I want to be that proper type, who look through people with absolutely no class. Although it seems like following in "The Situation"s footsteps is the cool thing to do nowadays, ugh. I guess I'll only look like I'm stuck up, but it's for the best. Those are the type of people I never want to associate with anyway, so they should think I'm unapproachable!

Also, her really cute nails, just because I really liked them.

Anyway, Blogger is being odd right now, randomly bolding things and making things small, so I'm going to end here. I wonder what I'll do all day. It feels like it'll be full of watching Let's Plays, mixed with maybe a few rounds of Kirby Air Ride ^_^