Blast from the past, lol, or maybe I'm the only one who would get the title reference.
Yesterday, my grandma found some gift cards from Borders that she never used, and she gave them to me. How much was on these cards? Almost $60 total! Shopping spree!! ...Kinda? Lol
So I just got back from my trek. I bought a book on how to make cute bento meals called Yum-Yum Bento Box (which the website said they didn't even have! I sure showed them XD), a cool looking book on tea parties called, well, Tea Party that won a place in my list with just one strawberry rose meringue recipe. Actually, I was going to buy it anyway, because of all the tea recipes, but when I was comparing it to another tea party book (there were like 4 different ones, I didn't even know there would be one!) and that's when I saw it. Then I bought some dessert books. The cookbook section was kind of big there, since it had 2 rows. I'm only used to spending time in the art book section, which is only one section, so it was a surprise to turn the corner, and there was a whole area full of dessert books! I love sweets~
Anyway, they had a column full of discounted books on desserts. I bought a set that has a book with 200 cookie, biscuits, and brownie recipes, that also came with cookie cutters (I bought it just for the cookie cutters, since I could also use them for bentos in the future) for only $4, and a book called The Essential Dessert Cookbook, which I only looked at one page. It was a marbled raspberry cheesecake piece, and I didn't need any more prompting. Plus, it was only $7.
Now, I'm looking over my bento book. It got a lot of good reviews, and was apparently written by certain bento bloggers who I guess are kind of big on the Inter-webs. Personally, I'm just glad I finally have a book that also specializes in charaben (bentos with characters, like rabbits and whatnot). I've seen a ton of books with traditional looking things, but since I like cute things, it would be nice to have cute lunches someday too XD So far, I love the book, and I'm only like 12 pages in, lol. I hope one day I can start making these ^_^
Oh yeah, while I was at Borders, in the check out line, there's a section where you can buy markers. Someone wrote on the little pad in front "You are beautiful." It made my already great day even better! Such a nice thing to write <3 It was nice to get out, and crank my music with the windows open, although I got a really weird look from some guy I passed while listening to I'm On A Boat, lol!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Upon Dreams
Thought about posting yesterday, but decided not to. I can't really remember why, especially because I did have something to say....
See, now I'm thinking about what I really want. I may be glamorizing it a bit, but I have all of these hopes and dreams, which I think you're supposed to have. When I realized that game art and design wasn't what I wanted, I gave up all of that, because I felt that dreams don't come true unless you're really lucky or really persistent. I have no luck, and I have no money to be persistent, so dreams, to me, felt useless to have.
But I forgot what was important about having dreams, and that's that you have something to strive for, even if nothing goes right. It keeps you optimistic, especially if you don't let everything get you down, so you keep trying. I never thought of it that way.
I've always wanted to take sewing lessons at this place that will teach you how to draft your own patterns. There's so many outfits out there that I wish I could have but they're too expensive, or that I wish was a little different, whether it's in a color/pattern I don't like, or I feel it's lacking in something. I have quite a few sketches of outfits I'd love to make myself (I even just designed a cute furry cape just yesterday). I look at envy at people who can do all of this on the fly. The problem with me is that while I can look at almost every garment out there and mentally take it apart (so I know what all of the parts would look like, in pattern form), I just don't know how to piece it together. It's the technical aspect that confuses me. How to I cut these patterns to fit me? I know that once I figured that out, the rest of it would be easy. Too many sites just tell me to alter existing patterns, but in most cases, it just doesn't work, since the outfits I sometimes want to make are a little complex. This is why Lolita clothing is so expensive, that, mixed with quality fabric and lace.
Anyway, in my mind, I've got a full wardrobe of clothing that I made, and have decided that I like fashion so much, that I would go to school for it, even if I never actually used my degree (since for a lot of jobs, just having a degree at all makes you look good). I never really play out the other classes (math, science, whatnot) only because I found school too boring. Too much of it is just parroting back what the teacher said, and I felt I never really learned anything. It's like being told that 2+2=4. Of course, it is, but you're never told why, or how we got that answer, just simply that that is the answer. You might think "Well, it doesn't matter why," but think about it. If you know the why, then everything else will be easier to figure out! Then you understand why 3+3=6 or 7+12=19, and can even apply this logic to other addition problems. (I used to have problems in multiplication because no one told me the reasons behind it, and they just gave me a chart to memorize. But once I learned that multiplication was just adding up groups, multiplication became easy!)
Maybe it's the lack of creativity. You only got good grades if you said exactly what the teacher wanted you to say, so I always feel stifled, and then I become bored as a result. Unfortunately, my weakness as a person, if I'm bored, I don't even see the point of trying, and I'm off doing everything else. It's why I liked my Pre-Calculus class. The teacher made it interesting, and explained things. Easiest class ever, too bad it has no practical use, unless you're some kind of engineer, or want to also be a Calculus teacher, so I forgot most of it, lol.
I'm terrible at staying on task.
Anyway, in my head, I sell my own creations, from nails, to accessories, and of course clothes. I even sew replications of these brands for ball joint dolls, because who wouldn't want their girl decked out in Jesus Diamante? LOL! And I have my own business cards, die-cut like an emblem, embossed with a border around my picture, wearing my creations while decked out in Hime-kei. I can't make a living out of it, at least not on its own, but it would be a great hobby, one that would allow me the freedom of making something perfect in my eyes.
Still, I worry that things will turn out like they did for when I tried college before. I worry that I'll get bored again, and realize that I don't want to actually go into fashion. I guess when I really think about it, I never actually saw myself making games, but the stories behind the games, and the characters, whereas now, I do actively see myself making things. But I don't know, I'm scared of letting everyone down again. I just don't want to make another mistake and lose out on so much. I don't know what to do. The imagination makes everything sound so magical and happy, like if you just wish hard enough, everything will come true, and you too will have your dream home with dream boyfriend who brings you a dream puppy.... That's what I hate about it, lol.
I already know there's no way I'll actually get into the fashion business, not with this competition, and not with my style, and in a country where people want to be sexy and not cute, so the degree would just be for myself, something that would only matter to myself, and maybe some other girl who wants to go into fashion too.
When I think of it that way, the weight of it doesn't feel so heavy, like my future is riding on it. But would that mean I won't try as hard, because I don't need it as much? Lots of people go to these schools because they want to make clothes for the world, while I just want it so I can learn more about it, understand the hows and whys, and use it towards what I want to do. I don't have dreams of being a serious entrepreneur, I have dreams of living in comfort for the rest of my life. I don't desire dressing up the best biggest name in Hollywood, I just want to know that I made someone's perfect dress once. I won't own my own boutique in New York City, I'll own my own townhouse in the suburbs. And I'll be toiling away in my shabby chic/romantic Victorian style bedroom on my next creation, and live happily ever after.
That sounds like the perfect imaginary life.
And words and words and words and words.
Meanwhile, this place is even easier to design, I think I'll finally work on creating the Blogger space I like. Maybe. It's not like I don't have the perfect picture to put up there.
Also, I spent a whole day away from Facebook, to take my mind off of how utterly lonely I was. I'd still be away, but I accidentally went (whenever I go to a different website, I tend to check my Facebook first, out of habit, lol). I got one of those things that blocks the site, so next time I go out of habit, it'll take me somewhere else. I need to keep my mind off of my situation, because it's getting to me.
Except, I didn't tell anyone.... Lol, no one has noticed yet, so I bet they won't.
***
I know it's no good to spend so much time imagining a life I don't, and most likely wouldn't, have, but at least one thing good has come out of it.See, now I'm thinking about what I really want. I may be glamorizing it a bit, but I have all of these hopes and dreams, which I think you're supposed to have. When I realized that game art and design wasn't what I wanted, I gave up all of that, because I felt that dreams don't come true unless you're really lucky or really persistent. I have no luck, and I have no money to be persistent, so dreams, to me, felt useless to have.
But I forgot what was important about having dreams, and that's that you have something to strive for, even if nothing goes right. It keeps you optimistic, especially if you don't let everything get you down, so you keep trying. I never thought of it that way.
I've always wanted to take sewing lessons at this place that will teach you how to draft your own patterns. There's so many outfits out there that I wish I could have but they're too expensive, or that I wish was a little different, whether it's in a color/pattern I don't like, or I feel it's lacking in something. I have quite a few sketches of outfits I'd love to make myself (I even just designed a cute furry cape just yesterday). I look at envy at people who can do all of this on the fly. The problem with me is that while I can look at almost every garment out there and mentally take it apart (so I know what all of the parts would look like, in pattern form), I just don't know how to piece it together. It's the technical aspect that confuses me. How to I cut these patterns to fit me? I know that once I figured that out, the rest of it would be easy. Too many sites just tell me to alter existing patterns, but in most cases, it just doesn't work, since the outfits I sometimes want to make are a little complex. This is why Lolita clothing is so expensive, that, mixed with quality fabric and lace.
Anyway, in my mind, I've got a full wardrobe of clothing that I made, and have decided that I like fashion so much, that I would go to school for it, even if I never actually used my degree (since for a lot of jobs, just having a degree at all makes you look good). I never really play out the other classes (math, science, whatnot) only because I found school too boring. Too much of it is just parroting back what the teacher said, and I felt I never really learned anything. It's like being told that 2+2=4. Of course, it is, but you're never told why, or how we got that answer, just simply that that is the answer. You might think "Well, it doesn't matter why," but think about it. If you know the why, then everything else will be easier to figure out! Then you understand why 3+3=6 or 7+12=19, and can even apply this logic to other addition problems. (I used to have problems in multiplication because no one told me the reasons behind it, and they just gave me a chart to memorize. But once I learned that multiplication was just adding up groups, multiplication became easy!)
Maybe it's the lack of creativity. You only got good grades if you said exactly what the teacher wanted you to say, so I always feel stifled, and then I become bored as a result. Unfortunately, my weakness as a person, if I'm bored, I don't even see the point of trying, and I'm off doing everything else. It's why I liked my Pre-Calculus class. The teacher made it interesting, and explained things. Easiest class ever, too bad it has no practical use, unless you're some kind of engineer, or want to also be a Calculus teacher, so I forgot most of it, lol.
I'm terrible at staying on task.
Anyway, in my head, I sell my own creations, from nails, to accessories, and of course clothes. I even sew replications of these brands for ball joint dolls, because who wouldn't want their girl decked out in Jesus Diamante? LOL! And I have my own business cards, die-cut like an emblem, embossed with a border around my picture, wearing my creations while decked out in Hime-kei. I can't make a living out of it, at least not on its own, but it would be a great hobby, one that would allow me the freedom of making something perfect in my eyes.
Still, I worry that things will turn out like they did for when I tried college before. I worry that I'll get bored again, and realize that I don't want to actually go into fashion. I guess when I really think about it, I never actually saw myself making games, but the stories behind the games, and the characters, whereas now, I do actively see myself making things. But I don't know, I'm scared of letting everyone down again. I just don't want to make another mistake and lose out on so much. I don't know what to do. The imagination makes everything sound so magical and happy, like if you just wish hard enough, everything will come true, and you too will have your dream home with dream boyfriend who brings you a dream puppy.... That's what I hate about it, lol.
I already know there's no way I'll actually get into the fashion business, not with this competition, and not with my style, and in a country where people want to be sexy and not cute, so the degree would just be for myself, something that would only matter to myself, and maybe some other girl who wants to go into fashion too.
When I think of it that way, the weight of it doesn't feel so heavy, like my future is riding on it. But would that mean I won't try as hard, because I don't need it as much? Lots of people go to these schools because they want to make clothes for the world, while I just want it so I can learn more about it, understand the hows and whys, and use it towards what I want to do. I don't have dreams of being a serious entrepreneur, I have dreams of living in comfort for the rest of my life. I don't desire dressing up the best biggest name in Hollywood, I just want to know that I made someone's perfect dress once. I won't own my own boutique in New York City, I'll own my own townhouse in the suburbs. And I'll be toiling away in my shabby chic/romantic Victorian style bedroom on my next creation, and live happily ever after.
That sounds like the perfect imaginary life.
And words and words and words and words.
Meanwhile, this place is even easier to design, I think I'll finally work on creating the Blogger space I like. Maybe. It's not like I don't have the perfect picture to put up there.
Also, I spent a whole day away from Facebook, to take my mind off of how utterly lonely I was. I'd still be away, but I accidentally went (whenever I go to a different website, I tend to check my Facebook first, out of habit, lol). I got one of those things that blocks the site, so next time I go out of habit, it'll take me somewhere else. I need to keep my mind off of my situation, because it's getting to me.
Except, I didn't tell anyone.... Lol, no one has noticed yet, so I bet they won't.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Mind
.....
........
How depressing is it that I spend more time in my imagination than I do in the real world?
I had a strange dream that tossed me around for a bit.
I guess I was getting home from a date with some guy, maybe one I saw in a picture earlier that week, I don't know. It was night time, and we were talking. I wanted to kiss him, but I worried that because it's been so long since my last kiss (over 4 years now) and because I had next to no experience with that sort of affection, I was scared to. The sun was rising, and he gave me a hug. I didn't want to leave it at that, so I figured I'd take a chance anyway, and that I couldn't go wrong with a small kiss anyway. So I kissed him. It felt strangely nostalgic, even though I've never been kissed that way. In fact, it was my perfect first kiss, the kind I used to wish for when I was younger. I never got that kiss, unfortunately, but that's due to a whole 'nother psychology session.
I went inside and headed to my room, and was clearing off my bed to prepare to go to sleep. There were notes all over my wall from my grandma, telling me to do things, but I ignored them, because I was in too much of a good mood. I woke up shortly after noticing my camera was shining some kind of orange light through the view finder as I turned it off.
I wondered what it meant.
The dream dictionary I go to says that if you kiss a stranger, it means you've accepted an aspect of yourself. However, it also says that if I'm dreaming of kissing someone's boyfriend, it means that I'm jealous and I wish I was in a relationship. Thing is, I can't remember if I recognized him or not, because I don't really remember his face, I just feel like I recognized him, and if I do, he was definitely someone's boyfriend. I'm not really sure of what to think. But since that dream, I haven't been able to get that image and contented feeling out of my head.
I feel a little of both. I'm jealous, and want to be loved again, but when I think about where I am in life, I feel like it's not time yet. Herein lies the confusion.
....
........
I named the dream guy 'Jeremy', since I felt the need to call him something other than 'some guy'.
I wonder if 'Jeremy' is really out there. Or maybe this is just a vision of a parallel me, that in some other dimension, everything is all together with me. Or maybe my mind is just trying to cheer me up, what with it feeling like every girl on my Facebook is rubbing, nay, smashing it in my face about how happy they are with their boyfriends for this whole week (I guess it's not their fault, I guess I'd do it too if I had a super wonderful boyfriend to show off too). If it's the last one, I should thank it. At least it understands what, or should I say who, I've been through.
I was the only child of a single mother. I couldn't go out after school, because my mom wasn't home, so I spent a lot of time in my head, pretending I had lots of friends to hang out with. It's really sad that decades later, nothing has changed besides my height and teeth.
I'm just in a bad mood today. No amount of looking at things I can't afford now is cheering me up. I just want to close my eyes and spend more time in the dream world, where a 'Jeremy' is frantically tousling his hair in the mirror, trying to look his very best for when he shows up on the next date. Real guys have too much baggage for me nowadays. I may be lonely, but at least it's better than being betrayed, abused, or emotionally drained. I wish I hadn't learned any of that the hard way.
Denial. Maybe.But I do feel a little better, now that I got to vent somewhere.
To sleep.
........
How depressing is it that I spend more time in my imagination than I do in the real world?
I had a strange dream that tossed me around for a bit.
I guess I was getting home from a date with some guy, maybe one I saw in a picture earlier that week, I don't know. It was night time, and we were talking. I wanted to kiss him, but I worried that because it's been so long since my last kiss (over 4 years now) and because I had next to no experience with that sort of affection, I was scared to. The sun was rising, and he gave me a hug. I didn't want to leave it at that, so I figured I'd take a chance anyway, and that I couldn't go wrong with a small kiss anyway. So I kissed him. It felt strangely nostalgic, even though I've never been kissed that way. In fact, it was my perfect first kiss, the kind I used to wish for when I was younger. I never got that kiss, unfortunately, but that's due to a whole 'nother psychology session.
I went inside and headed to my room, and was clearing off my bed to prepare to go to sleep. There were notes all over my wall from my grandma, telling me to do things, but I ignored them, because I was in too much of a good mood. I woke up shortly after noticing my camera was shining some kind of orange light through the view finder as I turned it off.
I wondered what it meant.
The dream dictionary I go to says that if you kiss a stranger, it means you've accepted an aspect of yourself. However, it also says that if I'm dreaming of kissing someone's boyfriend, it means that I'm jealous and I wish I was in a relationship. Thing is, I can't remember if I recognized him or not, because I don't really remember his face, I just feel like I recognized him, and if I do, he was definitely someone's boyfriend. I'm not really sure of what to think. But since that dream, I haven't been able to get that image and contented feeling out of my head.
I feel a little of both. I'm jealous, and want to be loved again, but when I think about where I am in life, I feel like it's not time yet. Herein lies the confusion.
....
........
I named the dream guy 'Jeremy', since I felt the need to call him something other than 'some guy'.
I wonder if 'Jeremy' is really out there. Or maybe this is just a vision of a parallel me, that in some other dimension, everything is all together with me. Or maybe my mind is just trying to cheer me up, what with it feeling like every girl on my Facebook is rubbing, nay, smashing it in my face about how happy they are with their boyfriends for this whole week (I guess it's not their fault, I guess I'd do it too if I had a super wonderful boyfriend to show off too). If it's the last one, I should thank it. At least it understands what, or should I say who, I've been through.
I was the only child of a single mother. I couldn't go out after school, because my mom wasn't home, so I spent a lot of time in my head, pretending I had lots of friends to hang out with. It's really sad that decades later, nothing has changed besides my height and teeth.
I'm just in a bad mood today. No amount of looking at things I can't afford now is cheering me up. I just want to close my eyes and spend more time in the dream world, where a 'Jeremy' is frantically tousling his hair in the mirror, trying to look his very best for when he shows up on the next date. Real guys have too much baggage for me nowadays. I may be lonely, but at least it's better than being betrayed, abused, or emotionally drained. I wish I hadn't learned any of that the hard way.
Denial. Maybe.But I do feel a little better, now that I got to vent somewhere.
To sleep.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Boring Ramblings
Sorry about the long gap, to be honest, I've been avoiding this place, lol.
Since the job opportunity was a huge bust, I haven't even left the house in a month, because I want to save the money I have to make monthly payments on my credit card. I haven't even gotten a bite on any of the applications I've sent. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a catch and that any job would be happy to have me.... Lol, so how do I convince them of that?
Unfortunately, a lot of other things have slipped as a result. I'm not taking care of my skin or hair like I used to, mostly because I don't feel the need to anyway. I guess I just keep thinking, I'm only going to be at home, and no one visits anyway, so what's the point? But I really want to. I keep bookmarking things I want to try, and I continue to read other blogs from makeup and fashion gurus out there. Someone did a review on a BB Cream called The Oriental Gold BB Cream that I was considering, and won me over with her pictures, as well as with her review on some lipsticks called Candy Doll, which may take a while to get to me, but seem really nice (since I have naturally dark lips, a color called Valencia seems to be the best match, lol), I need something that can cover, and it seems really thick, but not sticky it seems (which I love). I also found a great place for contacts, one that has pink contacts! The previews of people wearing them really look nice, because they really make brown eyes pop, and remind me of how my eyes look when I'm in the sun. Oh, and masks! I'm still kicking myself for not getting them when Mitsuwa had them, ugh!
I really miss all of this stuff, but with nowhere to go and nothing to do, I find my motivation completely drained. I hope I get a job soon, I really would like to get back to trying things out!
Another thing that drastically changed was my take on dating. A year ago, I broke up with an incredibly sweet person. So why would I do that? A lot of reasons, one being the distance, another being the fact that with the way I was, he was losing who he really was to me, and the major one being the fact that he was so insecure and became easily upset when something disappointed him (he actually became depressed because he had to kill a mosquito once.... I am not lying....) and it was always up to me to fix him. It went from this happening maybe once every couple of weeks, to it happening every other day, to the point where I dreaded talking to him on the phone, because I knew at some point, something would make him unhappy, and I would have to try harder and harder to convince him that he's worth something. He would ask me things like why I loved him, expecting very detailed reasons listed off at him. It was never enough simply that I loved him. And he always wanted to know something different that I liked. No one should have to prepare an essay everyday on why you chose them, right? It's only cute the first 3 times....
But, I digress.
Since that day, I haven't even really talked to a guy. Well, there was Jake, but thinking about the fact that I am done with long distance relationships and the fact that I really want to concentrate on getting a steady job to take care of myself, I let it go a couple months back. The few who have approached me are usually not my type. I have the unfortunate luck of liking shy type guys, and of course, they never have the courage to talk to me. As a result, I've been rather... single. At first, I was okay. Then summer started to hit, and I started to feel lonely again. But it was when my last single friend got a boyfriend, that I guess I snapped.
Well, not in a 'rage' type of snap, but it all just hit me, that of all of my friends, I was the only one who was single. And it didn't stop there, pretty much everyone I grew up with from 5th grade to college is either dating someone, engaged, or married with kids. For an hour, I just panicked, so to calm myself down, I started looking at clothes, furniture, even houses that I wanted to buy. I slipped into a world where I had the perfect bedroom in the perfect townhome, and the perfect wardrobe. It suddenly hit me, that when I thought about all of that, I didn't feel so lonely. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person, but I guess I am. I like the thought of buying my own things and seeing everything that I've accomplished with my own work. Very Capricorn, if I do say so myself.
It's probably not healthy to think this way, but it's better than being depressed over not having some guy! Besides, even my own subconscious has accepted it.
All I need is someone to hire meeeeeee! XD
Next update.... I don't know. Hopefully by then, I'll have a job with steady hours.
Since the job opportunity was a huge bust, I haven't even left the house in a month, because I want to save the money I have to make monthly payments on my credit card. I haven't even gotten a bite on any of the applications I've sent. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a catch and that any job would be happy to have me.... Lol, so how do I convince them of that?
Unfortunately, a lot of other things have slipped as a result. I'm not taking care of my skin or hair like I used to, mostly because I don't feel the need to anyway. I guess I just keep thinking, I'm only going to be at home, and no one visits anyway, so what's the point? But I really want to. I keep bookmarking things I want to try, and I continue to read other blogs from makeup and fashion gurus out there. Someone did a review on a BB Cream called The Oriental Gold BB Cream that I was considering, and won me over with her pictures, as well as with her review on some lipsticks called Candy Doll, which may take a while to get to me, but seem really nice (since I have naturally dark lips, a color called Valencia seems to be the best match, lol), I need something that can cover, and it seems really thick, but not sticky it seems (which I love). I also found a great place for contacts, one that has pink contacts! The previews of people wearing them really look nice, because they really make brown eyes pop, and remind me of how my eyes look when I'm in the sun. Oh, and masks! I'm still kicking myself for not getting them when Mitsuwa had them, ugh!
I really miss all of this stuff, but with nowhere to go and nothing to do, I find my motivation completely drained. I hope I get a job soon, I really would like to get back to trying things out!
Another thing that drastically changed was my take on dating. A year ago, I broke up with an incredibly sweet person. So why would I do that? A lot of reasons, one being the distance, another being the fact that with the way I was, he was losing who he really was to me, and the major one being the fact that he was so insecure and became easily upset when something disappointed him (he actually became depressed because he had to kill a mosquito once.... I am not lying....) and it was always up to me to fix him. It went from this happening maybe once every couple of weeks, to it happening every other day, to the point where I dreaded talking to him on the phone, because I knew at some point, something would make him unhappy, and I would have to try harder and harder to convince him that he's worth something. He would ask me things like why I loved him, expecting very detailed reasons listed off at him. It was never enough simply that I loved him. And he always wanted to know something different that I liked. No one should have to prepare an essay everyday on why you chose them, right? It's only cute the first 3 times....
But, I digress.
Since that day, I haven't even really talked to a guy. Well, there was Jake, but thinking about the fact that I am done with long distance relationships and the fact that I really want to concentrate on getting a steady job to take care of myself, I let it go a couple months back. The few who have approached me are usually not my type. I have the unfortunate luck of liking shy type guys, and of course, they never have the courage to talk to me. As a result, I've been rather... single. At first, I was okay. Then summer started to hit, and I started to feel lonely again. But it was when my last single friend got a boyfriend, that I guess I snapped.
Well, not in a 'rage' type of snap, but it all just hit me, that of all of my friends, I was the only one who was single. And it didn't stop there, pretty much everyone I grew up with from 5th grade to college is either dating someone, engaged, or married with kids. For an hour, I just panicked, so to calm myself down, I started looking at clothes, furniture, even houses that I wanted to buy. I slipped into a world where I had the perfect bedroom in the perfect townhome, and the perfect wardrobe. It suddenly hit me, that when I thought about all of that, I didn't feel so lonely. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person, but I guess I am. I like the thought of buying my own things and seeing everything that I've accomplished with my own work. Very Capricorn, if I do say so myself.
It's probably not healthy to think this way, but it's better than being depressed over not having some guy! Besides, even my own subconscious has accepted it.
All I need is someone to hire meeeeeee! XD
Next update.... I don't know. Hopefully by then, I'll have a job with steady hours.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Smiiiiiile!
Oh? What's new with me, you ask?
You didn't ask? Of course you did!
- Starting my new job next week, and I'm getting 41 hours to start (it's confirmed, they let me know that they definitely want me working there)
- My Chalco is headed home after a 3 week wait, and will probably be here Monday
But probably most important update:
- I'm going to Japan 8D
Well, okay, that's only half true. A couple days ago, while I was on the Internet, not even thinking about Japan, I just suddenly thought "I'm going to Japan!" When I asked my friends who would come with me, I got a lot of positive responses. Nothing's definite since it's only been 2 days since I proposed this idea, but at the very least, we can try! So far, Tara and I are definitely in, Niki and Tara's friend Brianna are "maybes", and Niki's boyfriend Steve is one big question mark, though it sounds like he wants in too. I think the more, the better! We can get discounts on rooms, and it means more people get to enjoy the trip ^_^
I already feel excited! I've been getting as many estimates as I could (which is hard, since it's too far away for the sites to let me know of anything) but so far, the plane tickets are looking like $1000, some hostels at about $600 each, there's the train passes which are at $500, passports at $100, and food will probably run us $200. I estimated that if we all saved at least $150 per paycheck from now until December, we would have enough for the plane tickets and a deposit for a hostel, in January, we could get our passports, late February, we could order our train passes, and walk out the door, ready to go by April. I wish it were that simple, lol, and in actuality, we'll probably be rushing around, trying to make arrangements and making sure we don't forget anything. That's why I'm making a list of items we'll need/want to bring, and a schedule for when things need to be done. Why so early? Well, have you ever made a list a week or two away from a trip of things you need to get, gone on your trip, and suddenly realized that you forgot to put something on your list? That's why I'm doing it so early. Now we've got plenty of time to suddenly exclaim that we have to bring such-and-such with us, and the schedule makes sure that we don't forget to do something too late. If we don't get our passports before our trip, it won't happen, and if we don't order our tickets and save a spot for us at the hostel, you better believe we won't have anywhere to stay besides some super expensive hotel, especially during cherry blossom season (which is why I've specifically chosen early April as opposed to some other time).
Really, this is all just a lot of guesswork and possibilities. No one will really know if they can make the trip until the end of December at the very latest, so if in the end, no one has the money, we'll just shift the date and keep saving. But I think at least Tara and I can do it. Back when I was only getting 7-12 hour days for $8.15 an hour (and actually for several months, I was making less than that an hour!), I managed to buy 4 dolls in the course of a year: a DoD Twing-key for $280, a Soom Amber for $900, and the Soom Bygg and Beyla set for $770 total. That's just under $2000 on my old paycheck. If I can do that on pittance, I can surely do this.
When I did my interview, and she asked me why I wanted to leave my old job. I told her that I was tired of not having hours, and she excitedly began to tell me that they would gladly give me around 30 hours a week if I left GS and stayed with them. Um, yes please! I already know I can stand around for hours on end, the job speaks to my artistic side and allows me to explore color combinations, and if we're busy, I don't actually have to give one-on-one attention (but I can, because this is a field I know a lot about, which I can't say the same about video games anymore). The more I start looking at what needs to be done to accomplish what I want done, the better things look. If they give me at least 20 hours a week, I'll be able to put aside $200 per paycheck, have enough to pay my grandma for the water bill, and have enough to live off of (those days I spent barely having any money was clearly in training for times like this!). If they give me 30 hours (easily done by giving me 6 hours for 5 days), I'm looking at $200 towards trip, money for water bill, and enough money to save for new luggage, a cute traveling wallet, work clothes, trips to pick up the next Ageha.
...Or I can put some of that extra money towards to trip too, and have tons of money to buy clothes! I decided that if I save a few thousand, after everything I have to pay for has been accounted for, that I would splurge at BTSSB and Deary (they must have a store), pop by Bodyline and Golds Infinity, and maybe get myself a genuine Liz Lisa article. I'll have to work hard, because the more money I'll have to spare for Shibuya, the less money I'll spend when I go everywhere else! Knowing me, I'll spend most of my money there, then in Osaka or something, I'll see something I'll absolutely must have, but by then, it'll be too late, and I won't have any extra cash XD Maybe I should separate my money, some for Shibuya, the rest for everywhere else!
You can see, I'm really excited about all of this, even though it's all just a possibility. Well, a possibility that has a very high chance of happening, as long as nothing bad happens along the way ^____^
One day, I'm not going to be able to just up and do this. A lot of girls and guys my age, people I went to school with, now have kids, are married, have families.... They can't just pop on Facebook, and proclaim "I'm going to France, anyone in??" They've got a family to consider, and one day, so will I. So I won't wait any longer.
Go for it!
~Lots of Love~
You didn't ask? Of course you did!
- Starting my new job next week, and I'm getting 41 hours to start (it's confirmed, they let me know that they definitely want me working there)
- My Chalco is headed home after a 3 week wait, and will probably be here Monday
But probably most important update:
- I'm going to Japan 8D
Well, okay, that's only half true. A couple days ago, while I was on the Internet, not even thinking about Japan, I just suddenly thought "I'm going to Japan!" When I asked my friends who would come with me, I got a lot of positive responses. Nothing's definite since it's only been 2 days since I proposed this idea, but at the very least, we can try! So far, Tara and I are definitely in, Niki and Tara's friend Brianna are "maybes", and Niki's boyfriend Steve is one big question mark, though it sounds like he wants in too. I think the more, the better! We can get discounts on rooms, and it means more people get to enjoy the trip ^_^
I already feel excited! I've been getting as many estimates as I could (which is hard, since it's too far away for the sites to let me know of anything) but so far, the plane tickets are looking like $1000, some hostels at about $600 each, there's the train passes which are at $500, passports at $100, and food will probably run us $200. I estimated that if we all saved at least $150 per paycheck from now until December, we would have enough for the plane tickets and a deposit for a hostel, in January, we could get our passports, late February, we could order our train passes, and walk out the door, ready to go by April. I wish it were that simple, lol, and in actuality, we'll probably be rushing around, trying to make arrangements and making sure we don't forget anything. That's why I'm making a list of items we'll need/want to bring, and a schedule for when things need to be done. Why so early? Well, have you ever made a list a week or two away from a trip of things you need to get, gone on your trip, and suddenly realized that you forgot to put something on your list? That's why I'm doing it so early. Now we've got plenty of time to suddenly exclaim that we have to bring such-and-such with us, and the schedule makes sure that we don't forget to do something too late. If we don't get our passports before our trip, it won't happen, and if we don't order our tickets and save a spot for us at the hostel, you better believe we won't have anywhere to stay besides some super expensive hotel, especially during cherry blossom season (which is why I've specifically chosen early April as opposed to some other time).
Really, this is all just a lot of guesswork and possibilities. No one will really know if they can make the trip until the end of December at the very latest, so if in the end, no one has the money, we'll just shift the date and keep saving. But I think at least Tara and I can do it. Back when I was only getting 7-12 hour days for $8.15 an hour (and actually for several months, I was making less than that an hour!), I managed to buy 4 dolls in the course of a year: a DoD Twing-key for $280, a Soom Amber for $900, and the Soom Bygg and Beyla set for $770 total. That's just under $2000 on my old paycheck. If I can do that on pittance, I can surely do this.
When I did my interview, and she asked me why I wanted to leave my old job. I told her that I was tired of not having hours, and she excitedly began to tell me that they would gladly give me around 30 hours a week if I left GS and stayed with them. Um, yes please! I already know I can stand around for hours on end, the job speaks to my artistic side and allows me to explore color combinations, and if we're busy, I don't actually have to give one-on-one attention (but I can, because this is a field I know a lot about, which I can't say the same about video games anymore). The more I start looking at what needs to be done to accomplish what I want done, the better things look. If they give me at least 20 hours a week, I'll be able to put aside $200 per paycheck, have enough to pay my grandma for the water bill, and have enough to live off of (those days I spent barely having any money was clearly in training for times like this!). If they give me 30 hours (easily done by giving me 6 hours for 5 days), I'm looking at $200 towards trip, money for water bill, and enough money to save for new luggage, a cute traveling wallet, work clothes, trips to pick up the next Ageha.
...Or I can put some of that extra money towards to trip too, and have tons of money to buy clothes! I decided that if I save a few thousand, after everything I have to pay for has been accounted for, that I would splurge at BTSSB and Deary (they must have a store), pop by Bodyline and Golds Infinity, and maybe get myself a genuine Liz Lisa article. I'll have to work hard, because the more money I'll have to spare for Shibuya, the less money I'll spend when I go everywhere else! Knowing me, I'll spend most of my money there, then in Osaka or something, I'll see something I'll absolutely must have, but by then, it'll be too late, and I won't have any extra cash XD Maybe I should separate my money, some for Shibuya, the rest for everywhere else!
You can see, I'm really excited about all of this, even though it's all just a possibility. Well, a possibility that has a very high chance of happening, as long as nothing bad happens along the way ^____^
One day, I'm not going to be able to just up and do this. A lot of girls and guys my age, people I went to school with, now have kids, are married, have families.... They can't just pop on Facebook, and proclaim "I'm going to France, anyone in??" They've got a family to consider, and one day, so will I. So I won't wait any longer.
Go for it!
~Lots of Love~
Thursday, April 29, 2010
14 days, and counting!
14 days, and I start work at CC!
Anyway, because I had 3 paychecks coming this month, I decided instead to pay off Chalco, so he was paid off last week ^_^ Now I only have to pay my grandma for the water bill (which yet again, she hid, but fortunately I saw it before she did), which I can do on Friday. Another Mitsuwa trip too ^_^ I managed not to use any money on my credit card either, so I even have a little money to spare.
Seriously, I really feel like all of this "upgrading my life" that I've been working on is the cause of this. I'd still be depressed at my old job, with no money to do multiple things for fun (like take on a layaway AND have money for clothes and things I like) I'm still not sure if I want this to be a second job, or if I want to take this on as a replacement, but I'll find out soon. I'm not very good at persuading people to buy things at GS. I downright suck at it, and I'm not very competitive, so I really don't have that drive to be better than everyone. That drive probably left me 2 years ago, once I realized that I would only ever be a sales associate, and nothing more.
Anyway, I've noticed my stress has gone down lately, as in I can breathe easier these days. It may have been money related after all, except, I don't really have much money now. So.... I don't know!
So there's only one thing I need to do, and that's confront Jake. That's unfortunately the hardest part, but if I don't do it, he'll probably leave and I'll never see him again ;_; Gotta make my move!
I'm feeling pretty good!
~Lots of Love~
Anyway, because I had 3 paychecks coming this month, I decided instead to pay off Chalco, so he was paid off last week ^_^ Now I only have to pay my grandma for the water bill (which yet again, she hid, but fortunately I saw it before she did), which I can do on Friday. Another Mitsuwa trip too ^_^ I managed not to use any money on my credit card either, so I even have a little money to spare.
Seriously, I really feel like all of this "upgrading my life" that I've been working on is the cause of this. I'd still be depressed at my old job, with no money to do multiple things for fun (like take on a layaway AND have money for clothes and things I like) I'm still not sure if I want this to be a second job, or if I want to take this on as a replacement, but I'll find out soon. I'm not very good at persuading people to buy things at GS. I downright suck at it, and I'm not very competitive, so I really don't have that drive to be better than everyone. That drive probably left me 2 years ago, once I realized that I would only ever be a sales associate, and nothing more.
Anyway, I've noticed my stress has gone down lately, as in I can breathe easier these days. It may have been money related after all, except, I don't really have much money now. So.... I don't know!
So there's only one thing I need to do, and that's confront Jake. That's unfortunately the hardest part, but if I don't do it, he'll probably leave and I'll never see him again ;_; Gotta make my move!
I'm feeling pretty good!
~Lots of Love~
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Dreams
I had an absolutely wonderful dream just a bit ago (No, I wasn't being lazy and sleeping away my day! I woke up at 7a, I just took a 2 hour nap, I swear!!)
I can't remember much of the beginning, just the part where I was with this large group of friends. We had made the guys' room really messy (they had a large room for some reason) and we were cleaning it up when someone gave us all call, so all of the girls and I got in some limousine and headed to some store. I think it was a hime style store. Well anyway, we're walking up the steps to this super ultra fancy boutique, and I'm talking to all of my friends and getting excited. Then.... I made a blog about it. Lol, okay, that wasn't the fun part. It seemed that I was doing some kind of review for the place, talking about the nice things I bought, and I had a nice list ^_^ Turns out that I had been doing this for years, and I guess I was popular or something, I don't know.
It was such a nice dream, why'd I have to wake uuuuup? *sob*
I'm going to go drown my sorrows with mint Oreos. They're still selling them! I think they've become a basic flavor now, because there's a whole bunch of them~ I'm glad I don't have to wait until winter or St. Patrick's Day for them, because they're my favorite Oreos, and they make the best Oreo bonbons <
Alright, my days consist of dragging through work -_-; 5 more weeks until I see if I like CC! Hope I do, anything to get away from GS ;_; Alright, back to Phoenix Wright!
~Lots of Love~
I can't remember much of the beginning, just the part where I was with this large group of friends. We had made the guys' room really messy (they had a large room for some reason) and we were cleaning it up when someone gave us all call, so all of the girls and I got in some limousine and headed to some store. I think it was a hime style store. Well anyway, we're walking up the steps to this super ultra fancy boutique, and I'm talking to all of my friends and getting excited. Then.... I made a blog about it. Lol, okay, that wasn't the fun part. It seemed that I was doing some kind of review for the place, talking about the nice things I bought, and I had a nice list ^_^ Turns out that I had been doing this for years, and I guess I was popular or something, I don't know.
It was such a nice dream, why'd I have to wake uuuuup? *sob*
I'm going to go drown my sorrows with mint Oreos. They're still selling them! I think they've become a basic flavor now, because there's a whole bunch of them~ I'm glad I don't have to wait until winter or St. Patrick's Day for them, because they're my favorite Oreos, and they make the best Oreo bonbons <
Alright, my days consist of dragging through work -_-; 5 more weeks until I see if I like CC! Hope I do, anything to get away from GS ;_; Alright, back to Phoenix Wright!
~Lots of Love~
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