As I mentioned in my last post, I've recently had the strongest desire to just change everything. Well, mostly everything. I'm still liking Hime-kei so far, lol.
Thursday after work, I had the sudden urge to go to Barnes and Noble. I have no idea what made me want to go, just that I was in the area while running an errand, and could really have used a book, I guess. So I headed on over.
My usually hang-outs are in the How To Draw section and the Personal Health sections, where I usually check out the books they have about skin care and makeup. I read a very interesting book about makeup that doesn't just talk about how to apply the makeup but some tips on how to work on your own self-esteem. Much of it, I already knew, but it was good to have it reiterated as lately I've been slacking on positive thinking. It was pretty nice, though I didn't feel the need to buy it. Maybe some other time, as it did have a very interesting section on wearing makeup depending on the mood you want to portray, and I wonder if it can help me even in my own style.
Anyway, as I was making my way to the art section, I passed the Self Help section. I'm usually always trying to solve problems myself, since I don't really feel like my friends can be of help with the things I'm dealing with, and I'm never sure how to express what I mean to my mom so I don't feel like she understands where I am. It's really difficult, because you only know what you know. I can come to all sorts of conclusions, but in the end, I'm only relying on my own opinions as to why things happen the way they do, and even if what I'm thinking is solid, there's so many other opinions and ideas that can change the situation completely. So I figured, it might be nice to see if there's a book about the issues I'm dealing with that might give me a new insight. What caught my eye was a book called The Go-Girl Guide, which deals with the issues that come up once you're in your 20s. It's over a decade old (and you can tell, because they mention stuff like "Ally McBeal", lol), but the information is still quite helpful. Did you know that we usually have one more growth spurt in our mid-twenties? It's probably why my skin has been breaking out more than ever lately, like I'm going through puberty again (or it could just be stress).
2012 has been a pretty big year for me. I got a new job that actually gives me hours, and I got to make some progress in my fashion. For the first time, not only did I gather up the courage to talk to someone I was interested in, I gave him my number and even went out on a few dates. I went on my first real date ever! Things haven't been perfect, I'm not where I wish I was, and there are many things that didn't quite pan out the way I hoped, but I've accomplished so much more than I ever thought I could. Some people probably think things like that are no big deal, but for me, it's a real victory.
But there's still work to be done. I'm still unsure of who I am or who I want to be. This doesn't just mean what I want my occupation to be, but who I really want to be as a person, and where I want to go with my life. I've spent many years conforming to the identities that everyone else gave me, so now that I'm trying to make my own, I'm a little lost and confused, but most of all, scared. But I have to think about it now, because I'm getting older and older, and at a certain point, my personality will be pretty much cemented in place.
I feel like time is running out.
It's not that 30 is the end of the world, or even close to the end of my life, or fun, or anything like that.
But it kind of feels like at age 30, if I haven't started on my dreams, I never will. I envy so many people who seem like they're on the path towards their goals, when I'm in the mud, spinning my wheels in place.
I have so much to think about....
I've asked my mom for advice. She asked me what I really wanted. At first, I said, financial security. I didn't want to worry about how I was going to take care of myself, so she told me that I should focus on that. But when I thought about that, it made me really sad. When I thought about it more, it wasn't financial security that I ultimately wanted. I never saw myself making explicitly making lots of money. When I thought of my future, I was living comfortably, making things for my future ball joint doll shop. I knew the 'shoulds' in life, but what about what I really want? I don't want to neglect myself just to do what I "should" be doing. How can anyone but me even determine what I really "should" do?
As of now, I think I want to go back to school. I want to double major in Fashion Design and Fashion Merchandising (which will involve taking some business classes, which is pretty cool). Now don't get me wrong. I haven't hit the Enroll Now button or anything, lol. In fact, I won't be planning anything for at least a year, as I have a lot more to do and a lot more to think about and plan. Before I go to college, I want to go to Japan, because I want to go before I turn 30 and definitely before I have a billion other things I need to pay for (like college!).
I... don't really know why I'm telling you all this, lol. I just really wanted to.
I've since bought a couple more books, another (more recent) book about dealing with a quarter-life crisis, and a really interesting book about shortcuts you can take to save money (what really caught my attention is the section on simple exercises to do while lying around in bed) as well as some tips for life. Sometimes, in order to learn something, you've got to study, lol.
Maybe in the year or so, I'll change my mind and decide to focus on a career anyway, I don't know. But for a long time, I've been looking at the destination, and I haven't even really thought about the path there or what to do once I arrive. Perhaps it's time to find out what truly makes me happy, and maybe enjoy a few new experiences along the way.
It's a good thing I'm doing this all now, instead of when I'm 45, buying a sports car and dating some 19 year old who's clearly no good for me, lol.
Anyway, as I mentioned up above (and if you read that, thank you so much~), my skin broke out terribly. I had acne and cystic acne, and it was like I struck oil all over my face! I've been using St. Ive's Apricot Scrub, but I haven't seen any results. Then it hit me. If I need a scrub, can't I just use sugar and my usual Noxzema deep cleanser? Ugh, I don't know why I always want to turn away from what works just to try other stuff! I did add a bit more to my arsenal though. I bought some Noxzema Anti-Blemish Pads, and I splurged on Burt's Bees Acne Solutions lotion (I used to use Neutrogena Oil-Free Moisture lotion for combination skin, but it never hydrated my skin). Within a week, my skin cleared up so much! I wish I had taken a before and after photo, because the change was astounding, truly. It's a really easy to follow regimen too. I wash my face with my cream (and use sugar if I need to exfoliate), then I wipe my face with the pads, and follow up with the lotion. In the morning, I just use a pad and the lotion, and if I'm at home and my skin starts to get really oily, I just use a pad. It's probably too much for most people, especially if you're not used to using products with salicylic acid, but my skin is really strong and has been responding so wonderfully to this treatment. I need to incorporate something to lighten some marks, but for now, I'm really happy at how nice and smooth my face is!
So that means I've found a good regimen for my skin, and one for my hair. These are actually personal goals I made for myself years ago, when I was starting in this fashion. I got so focused on obtaining enough to fill my dressers and wear something cute for every season, or trying to make sure my makeup is perfect, that I've forgotten the little accomplishments like this.
I'm currently waiting for Mana Starre's segment in 20/20. It's pretty cool, isn't it?