This is a story about how buying an $18 5-drawer plastic rolling dresser for my overflowing nail polish collection changed my entire life.
Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic. But not entirely untrue, strangely.
Things kind of snowballed. I had bought dozens of nail polish over the year, which had, as a result, overrun a good portion of shelving space. I needed to get them somewhere else, so I bought a rolling shelf to put them in.
The next day, I had cleaned my room totally.
Why am I bringing this up? Just to show how one very small thing can easily hold back or accelerate things. One thing happens, and suddenly everything is different. You come up with one idea, you take one little step, and suddenly, you realize you're halfway to finding your own happiness, stuff like that. Or you really want to accomplish something, but something small that seems way too huge to go past can hold you back completely.
I wanted to come back, but I wasn't ready. I mean, I had all the clothes, but where was the style? Where was the zeal? I was only doing things halfway, and I felt it completely. I was wishing to do more, but when I had the chance, I always came up with an excuse, and in the end, I only did part of it.
I had two big excuses. No makeup, and a messy room. I was too embarrassed to come here with a blank face and a million cords and dusty game systems all over the floor. I was always super envious of everyone else with their nice rooms with all the space to take nice photos, because I didn't think I could ever get something that nice, no matter what angle I was at. I was coming up with outfits I really liked, but it became a bother to have to take all the junk off my nightstand, hide all the stuff I was hanging on the cabinet doors, and shove all of my stacks of books and papers covered in drawings of clothing and notes for myself off to the side enough so they wouldn't show up in pictures. Actually, I dreaded it. Not to mention, I didn't have foundation anymore. I had run out of the BB cream I was using last year, and even though I had the money, I'd blow it all on snacks or trinkets, things I didn't really need (like more nail polish, lol). I told myself, this paycheck, I'll buy the makeup. I told myself, this weekend, I'll neaten up my room. And I never did, because it seemed like so much work, I wasn't making enough, and I was just too tired....
I like blogging. I really do. But I'm a perfectionist, so I hate doing things only part of the way, because I only feel disappointment that I could and should have done more. So, I would neaten up the floor a bit, but I still had a bag full of old fabric and yarn from some school project I finished without them. I'd rearrange my shelves, but I had piles of clean clothes I hadn't folded piled up in a basket. In the end, one part of the room was a little less cluttered, but the rest of the room was still cluttered and ugly, and after a while, I would give up keeping things neat and just toss everything to the ground again. 'What was the point?' I thought. 'It still looks like a mess everywhere else.' 'I'm just too tired to clean everything, and I have to wake up super early tomorrow.' 'I'm fitting my entire life in my room, of course it'll never look nice.' Etc. I wouldn't let anyone in my room. I wouldn't let anyone see my room. By the end of it all, I couldn't even use my own full sized mirror. I had bought a scanner/printer, and the only space I thought I had left was right in front of it. I was overwhelmed, and I wanted to just wanted to believe it was impossible to fix and that I was defeated.
Then I bought a little rolling shelf.
I put all my nail polish away, and rolled it to the one spot where it wouldn't be in the way: next to the TV. But I had two drawers left. I didn't know what to do with them, so I just shrugged and went to sleep. At least my nail polish collection was put away.
I set my alarm for 7am, since I'm trying to get in the habit of waking up early, even on my days off. Still, as the alarm went off, my intention was to go right back to sleep. Not like I had anything else to do that day that I really needed to be up so early. But as I closed my eyes, waiting to eventually drift off again, an idea popped into my head.
Why don't you put your gaming systems in those other drawers? You can get them off the floor and out of the dust!
I actually couldn't sleep anymore until I did this, so I grabbed some bleach wipes and paper towels, wiped down the systems and put them away. But then I thought, well if the systems are put up, there's no reason to keep the power cords out, right? I wiped down the cords and extra controllers and put them away as well. Then I figured, since the floor is cleared, why not sweep up the area?
The floor looked clearer than it ever had, and I just kept going.
Hey, if I'm going to clean all this stuff, why don't I sort out the clutter around it, and finally get rid of this bag of yarn that's been sitting here for years?
Well since I have space on this shelf now that all the nail polish is put away, let's rearrange some stuff and put my printer in here instead of in front of the mirror!
Let's reorganize the rest of the shelf, and clear up some space on the top while I'm at it!
Let's wipe down that light fixture and replace the burnt bulbs!
I didn't stop moving for hours, and I never felt tired for a second. I just felt brighter and clearer, and everything just flowed effortlessly. I cleaned for 10 hours straight, tossed out 4 bags worth of trash and old products, and sorted piles of paper into a cute file I've owned for months.
I had all of the tools I needed to accomplish this except for a shelf for my nail polish, apparently.
The lesson of the story isn't how to clean a room. Actually, this is how starting and finishing a goal works. Even though I knew this in theory, I didn't actually know it in application until now. Do some little things, and you feel accomplished. Soon, you start saying, hey, why stop there? Let's start the next thing while I'm on a roll! Nothing I did felt overwhelming. I probably could have stopped anywhere I wanted and felt accomplished. But I did one little thing over here, and one little thing over there, and when I stepped back, everything was done. I have so much floor space, and even better, I don't feel so self conscious about what's going on behind me (although it'll be even better once I get a shelf for all my cute shoes back there). I thought I wouldn't be able to accomplish it unless I spent hundreds of dollars on special cabinets and dressers, and at one point, I had so much stuff around that I thought I'd have to move into my own place before I had the space to get back into taking outfit shots again. (And who even knows when that would be? o_o) In other words, I was lazing around, waiting for my 'big break' instead of doing something to make it happen on my own, and I was coming up with all of these arbitrary and lofty conditions for success to happen when it was really so simple. In the words of 90s Sonic the Hedgehog, "That's no good."
Then, cleaning my room lead to me going back to practicing my fashion again.
I bought some more makeup. I originally bought them as a gift for myself for working so hard, but then I started thinking about what else I need to get in order to accomplish the look I really want. And because I wanted my face to be more even in texture so the makeup would go on smoothly, I got back into my skin regimen. Then I thought, I should start taking vitamins again, I've been kind of lethargic these days.
And so on.
I felt like the biggest bum in the world. The 3rd anniversary of my debut came and went (I wrote it in my schedule at the start of the year, I was so excited!), and even though I had ideas, I never followed through, because I felt like it was too much work and I was too far behind on it all. Even though I wanted to show everyone how far I've come and what I've learned, the mountain of stuff I felt needed to climb in order to do it seemed too high and impossible to pass. I wanted everyone to join me on my journey to get closer to the true me, but I was halting and hiding my progress for such little things, even though it seemed huge in my head.
But now I feel so happy and free. A huge weight has been lifted off of me, and I genuinely like being in here. Everything looks so open, but more than that, I feel less stressed. Heck, I feel like I can move so easily in here now! And best of all, I feel like if I can do this, I can do even more.
I'm not coming back just yet. I have a few more things to do. However, I'd like to come back for the New Year. Along with my style evolving, my makeup preferences have as well, so I have to buy some new things (especially lashes and circle lenses). I'm also hoping to accumulate a few more hair pieces and wigs. I bought a half wig and a fringe piece from Linea Storia (which I adore), and I recently found a cute wig shop with good reviews that I want to try. In general, I feel a lot more inspired to try, but I know it's just too soon to come back, the way I am right now. I just need a bit more time to recoup and rebuild. But I'm almost there.
As always, I'm truly very thankful for those who continue to stick around, though it has been a very, very long time since I've been here. I haven't left the fashion, still like the Gyaru aesthetic. Probably more Retro- and Roma-Gyaru than Hime-Gyaru these days, but still love the makeup and hair. I guess I'll get into things when I come back.
Alright, anyway, time to get back to work.
(Maybe this is the push I needed to get a new phone. I am *the most* tired of never having any service on my cheapo nothing phone, and besides, I have a whole wishlist of photo apps I want!)
See you in a couple months, and good luck on anything you're trying to accomplish right now!