*Sigh* I feel like such a failure....
I've been dreading coming here for some time. Not because I hate being a Gyaru, or because of those who watch me.
It's not even because I think I'm boring, because I know I'm boring, and that doesn't really matter to me.
It's just that, I'm really ashamed at the progress I'm making, which is to say, I'm not making any right now.
You guys know I'm on a job hunt. What you don't know is that I'm applying for jobs that are above my range right now. I can't do retail anymore. I never want to go through the stress of trying to meet numbers (for those of you who read my entry back in January about having a panic attack, it was because of GameStop, and when I quit, I stopped having breathing problems immediately). I'm not a sales girl, and I couldn't persuade a drowning man to get into my boat. I'm just not cut-throat enough. And besides, I want a real job, one with steady hours and steady pay, a place where I can take a sick day and not worry about losing my paycheck, or fear that I'll be let go because I'm not performing as well as person X.
I can't really make anything, certainly nothing good enough to sell, nor do I have much money to spare on practicing. I don't live in a good town for babysitting. Ultimately, it's just me, applying for jobs that are out of my range.
Except, I'm not even doing that.
I had a couple of really great interviews a few months ago. One, I told you about with the keyholder position, and the other was for an entry level receptionist position. I felt they went great, but obviously they didn't.
That should have brought me hope. For so many months, I've been applying, and not even getting a message saying "Hey, thanks and all, but you're not what we're looking for, sorry!" so for me to finally get that far, I should have been even more determined.
Instead, I couldn't help but feel like a total failure. All I can think is that I've messed up, and for the past few months, I've been convincing myself not to bother trying again.
Because I don't have too much money to even spend on Gyaru things, or really anything besides food, I start telling myself it's kind of pointless to update this blog. I mean, what is there to say? 'Hey guys, totally still working on being a good Gyaru, lol!'? I can't keep feeding you all promises when I'm constantly telling myself "What's the point?"
What's worse is that I really have gotten better at being a Gyaru. I've even been able to coordinate my own outfits, something I've never been able to do unless it came as a set or looked similar to something I've seen someone elsewhere (years of just picking out a shirt and some jeans will do that to a person, you know).
I just don't have spare money. There's not really anything I can do around the house that will earn me anything, now that my Grandma has someone who will do all of that for us. And because I'm so gun-shy about the job market, I can't even say I'm still looking. Part of me wishes I had someone to keep me on the ball with this sort of thing, to nag me about keeping my promise of applying to 5 jobs a day. But I'm a realist. No one would do that, because I'm supposed to be taking care of myself. It shouldn't be someone else's job to make sure I look for one of my own, after all.
I think I'll take some time off here, until I get a job. It's not like I can really post anything here anyway. What's the point of having a blog about my journey towards being a Hime-Gyaru, if I can't even buy things to be one? And I can only fill these entries with 'We can do it' speeches for so long.
I don't know what I'll do, or how long I'll be away. I guess I'll return in a couple of months regardless. I wouldn't want others to think I've abandoned this blog when I really don't want to leave in the first place. I just don't want to keep posting pointless things. It's supposed to be a blog about my progress, so if I'm not making any, seems strange to keep coming here.... No one reads Gyaru blogs to read only about what they've cooked or a review on a magazine that anyone can download.
Currently, my Grandma is teaching me how to be a legal secretary, but at the rate we're going, I'm not sure how long I'll be doing that. Until then, I'll be trying to rally myself up again into applying for jobs once more. I have to imagine, there must be one person out there who needs a true workaholic.
I'm sorry, everyone, for letting you all down, but I just can't keep disappointing you all with these kinds of entries anymore. I don't want anymore entries about what I wish, but what I have....
How ironic, and I even got an award from Lavenrose about my blog too. I'm really sorry.
This makes me terribly sad. Both that you can't find work that suits you (and I'm sure you've heard all the advice I could possibly offer) and that you feel you should go on hiatus. Personally, I like that your blog is a mix of personal life and Gyaru aesthetics.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this is what you feel you must do, then you've got to do it. I look forward immensely to any news from your end in the future.
Cheers.
I understand exactly how you feel...because quite honestly the same is pretty much happening to me ._. People expect SO much out of me...it's flattering yet at the same time stressful. I'm expected to be this great...~mana starre~ hime but I had to sell every single one of my clothes so I could afford to go to a con at the end of this month. This con is so important to me because I'm selling in it...trying to earn enough money to go to England next year to see somebody who means the entire world to me. My friend Neko..I mentioned him in a post before. So I'm practically depending on this con to make my dreams come true. I also hopefully can reopen my shop in october and be very successful. I really want to be one of those girls with a popular online shop like MintyMix or something, but the chances of that happening are slim. It's a 50/50 chance...will my things sell or not, will I make any money at all, is any of this worth it. At the same time I'm expected to be this positive blogger who knows everything about Himegyaru. It just makes me break down and cry sometimes. One thing I have learned from these many many many months of stress is to not give up and keep trying. It sounds so cliche but it actually works. You must first find out things you are really into and not into, which it seems to me you already did that. Then look around for jobs that will suit you perfectly. Remember, it will take time!
ReplyDeleteAnd believe it or not so many people have undiscovered talents that they aren't confident enough about to show off. I have a feeling you would be an amazing crafter or just be really good at decorating, so why not look into that? A hobby could take your mind off the stress anyway.
I wish you the best of luck, dear <3 <3
Sorry to hear about that. Sadly I understand the experience of going on for days upon days and at the end not landing a single job (I mean who wouldn't? It happens to the best of us). Unfortunately, job hunting in general takes time, so keep trying and don't give up hope! I'm sure you will be able to land a job eventually! It may look bleak and dark now, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. ^^
ReplyDeleteNow I can't help you out with your money problem, but here's a suggestion none-the-less. How about instead of buying gyaru stuff, buy rolls of ribbons or a bunch of lace and decorate the stuff that you DO have? That way you still spend money, but not as much as you would be spending on gyaru stuff. Like what Mana said, why not give crafting or decorating a try? You may never know!
Anyway, don't be sorry! You deserved the award! Good luck with your hiatus!
Like everyone else I can also understand what you are going through. When I first made my blog I had so much to say and post but as time went on I have been doing less posts each month. This is mainly b/c of stress in my life dealing w/ not having enough money for college and not enough money to obtain the gal items I wish to have. The school part is stressing me out the most b/c my parents financial situation isn't good and I'm in dire need of a job as well. But at this point I will take anything b/c I'm broke as a joke and it's not fun. And I'm not about to keep blogging about my depressing situation. Even though it is my blog I don't want to bore the crap out of people and I don't want sympathy either.
ReplyDeletePeople are always telling me to stay strong and carry on type things but it's always easier said than done. But in the back of my mind somewhere I continue thinking things will turn out ok. And I know they will. I know this may not mean much to you but please keep your head up. If life were easy we wouldn't appreciate anything.
I've been in the same situation. In the beginning I felt disappointed when I got no reply. But you know what? You shouldn't take a deny to heart, everybody goes throught this kind of situation. Companies simply get too many application to be able to give everybody feedback individually. Just don't give up, if you do not even try, you won't change anything about your situation.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel, but It's your life and you can either wait for time to pass or you can pull yourself together and write applications even if you have to force yourself. I've been there, it's ok to wish for somebody who can help, but in the end it's only you who can do it.
I know it's hard to believe right know that you'll find something that suits you, but trust me, you will. Just don't give up that easily.
Wish u the best.
I'm really sorry to hear all that. :(
ReplyDeleteWe're really going to miss you!
The only advice that I can offer for the job-hunt is that the impersonal job market really will make you feel like shit, and it's best not to try and rely on applying for jobs when you don't anyone at the company. The only ways I've ever found jobs was when I had a friend who could tell their boss about me and get me an interview, so in that respect, tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW you're looking for a job! It helps!
Some day, some friend will tell you their coworker just quit, and you'll have an in. Spread the word on facebook too. And as long as your friends don't think you'll be a bad employee or get them in trouble, they'll be happy to vouch for you when something comes up.
Good luck, I really hope you the best! I'll stay subscribed to your RSS, if you can ever come back. :)