The stress of it all.

I had another panic attack just a few moments ago. It's been around 10 months since

Right now, I'm in tears, though I'm not specifically sure what it is I'm really crying about. It seems weird to post in my blog about it, but I thought that maybe if I saw my thoughts before me, I might make sense of it all.

I don't really care what anyone thinks of me now. I've got nothing to hide from the faceless Internet anyway, besides my social.


Today, I was meant to go to Niki's for her birthday party. I got there a bit late, as I got caught up in watching the Simpsons. I rang the doorbell. For a while, no one answered, though I knew they were there, and that Niki was expecting me. But Steve answered, and told me that it was cancelled at the last minute. He only told me that something a bit more serious came up. I immediately started to worry, but he only told me that he would tell me later. As scared as I was for what had happened, it wasn't my place to press, so I left, already on the verge of tears. Even now, I don't know what happened. I didn't see Niki at all, so I'm scared that something happened to her. I hope that everything will be alright.

I came home, and tried to take my mind off of things by watching more TV.


An hour later, my grandma told me to go to the store and buy a newspaper for some job searching. I told her that there probably weren't that many people, if any anymore, posting jobs in there (which is a big reason for why newspapers are going out of business), especially when there are countless places where you can post your jobs for free.

Her rebuttal was something along the lines of "But they used to..." They did. In the 90's. Now everything is done electronically.

We got into an argument. She unfortunately has no idea what anything is like anymore. She has no idea what it's like to go into a field like this, and how many people I'm competing against. People who have had experience, and simply had to leave to downsizing, or the office going altogether. People who have college degrees, which shows they can stick with it. People with impressive resumes, who probably worked at places like GameStop like many years ago. Call me a cynic, but I know it's not that easy.

But it got to me, that for a year, I haven't had any real luck in even landing an interview, no matter the resume changes, the paragraphs on my integrity, or even the fact that technically, I've been working as a receptionist for 3 years, it just was under a different, less refined name of 'sales associate' (which I swear, conjures up images of some 18 year old working at a large clothing store in the mall.... you know, the ones who never talk to you, or even acknowledge your existence until you've been standing at the register for 5 minutes.... I've come across that waaaaaay too many times). Well, I started to have a panic attack, so I rushed into my room to try to calm my breathing. My grandma started calling me, but since she was the reason I was so stressed, I ignored her. She went into a rage and stormed into my room.

I revealed to her that she would never accept who I am, because she believed who I am is wrong. She tried, but couldn't really defend herself after that. Further proof, I really need to leave. Oh yeah, and she really did think my 12 year old looking doll was "seductive" and that it was probably corrupting my mind. Mind's been corrupted years ago, Grandma.


It seemed to end on a good note (well, average, she's still trying to wrap herself around the fact that I'm not the little girl she used to know before and that I never will be again), but I couldn't stop crying after that, while not really crying over anything at all. Maybe it was a whole collaboration of all of my stress suddenly exploding at that moment. I hadn't thought about it for a while, after all. I've been upset that the only offers for jobs I've been getting are scammers, plus today with Niki (turns out everything is okay, I just found out), the guy next door not having a working car alarm button, so every time he opens that door, I have to hear the siren go off until he starts the car half a minute later WHILE he yells at his girlfriend, the money troubles I've been having lately.... *sigh* No wonder I was crying. My mind may not want to admit it, but my heart always knows.


Well, typing it did seem to calm me down, so I'm glad I did it. I'm still trying to regulate my breathing, as I'm back to having a hard time getting a good enough breath, and I still start tearing up when I think about it all at once again. I think I need to play some Touhou and Kirby Air Ride, just drone out and concentrate on not dying or something.


I am Self Made. Or, I'm trying hard to be.